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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreamworlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 73/57/63
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 66
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 672



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreamworlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The days over
    Night time falls
    As my dreams begin
    Grasping each of my desires

    Exhaling them through my soul

    Images form
    Words are sung
    Around in my head
    As my fantasy plays, and what do we see
    You there darling

    You're in my dreams

    We're kissing and touching
    Wanting more and more
    Not wanting to stop
    Unable to

    *flutter
    *flutter

    My eyelids open
    Reaching out to you
    Yet your gone
    Serving you're purpose to extinguish my soul

    I want to see you




    Submitted on 2009-06-23 07:52:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I have to say this was pretty bloody good for a 14-year-old! When I was this age I was still writing Dr. Suessesque garbage!

    Overall I'd say this was a decent submission. It did sound a LITTLE clichéd in places, but not to the point where it ruined the piece.

    The main thing I had a problem with was "My heart to break". Never use a phrase like that in a poem, as it is the ultimate cliché.

    The only other thing I noticed [sorry to sound petty] was "Your in my dreams", "Yet your gone". It should be "you're".

    Anyway, in conclusion I would say this was quite an original piece and I liked it. I think you show potential as a writer, but be careful not to fall into clichés, it's very easy to do this [check out every single song on the radio!].

    Cheers,
    Alex.
    | Posted on 2009-06-23 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]



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