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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: How To Fix Every Problem [ Rough ] dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: every48seconds
    ASL Info:    25/M/toronto
    Elite Ratio:    3.32 - 123/163/129
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    0.0000
    Bytes: 1092



    Description:
       I felt kind of bad, well really bad, and well i just had the thought to write about my favorite little piece of equipment ( needs revision at some point )

    Respects Go To *bekind20thers For The Picture
    Check
    http://bekind20thers.deviantart.com/
    For There Work


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHow To Fix Every Problem [ Rough ] dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Mind Once Told Me
    How To Make Everything Stop Hurting
    She Mumbled This

    ".Go Home, Cause No One Cares For You There

    .Lock The Door To Your Room, Cause No One Should See This

    .Get The S&W 500 Mag From The Dresser, Cause No One Ever Knew About It

    .Rummage Around For A Round, Cause No One Ever Questioned Why It Was In Your Pocket

    .Push The Release Button Forward, Cause That's What Were Trying To Do

    .Insert Round Into Chamber, Cause That's How It Has To Go

    .Close Chamber, Cause It Won't Work If You Don't

    .Cock The Hammer, Cause Today's Another Day

    .Draw Towards Left Temporal Lobe, Cause You
    Want It To Come Out Of The Right

    . Pull Trigger, Cause You No Longer Know What To Do"

    She Said That The Rest Would Play Out On It's Own. She Said I Could Paint The Wall And Take A Nap At The Same Time.

    She Never Said It Would Feel This Good




    Submitted on 2009-06-24 08:29:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was amazing Kev. It really painted a picture for the reader or rather for me two pictures that came together at the end, the first of course looking from an outside perspective of the person and the second of visually what was going on in his mind. I also like the fact that it doesnt come out and say that the subject feels like there is nothing under his control in his life anymore but by the fact that its not actually him deciding to do these things but a girl in his head telling him step by step what to do it shows that he doesnt feel as if he has control over anything in his life not even his own suicide. I actually like the format of this two where the periods are on the next line because its as if they serve 2 purposes the first being the obviouse punctuation to the preceding line and the second being its kind of like bullet marks that mark the next step on instructions for something. To be honest I wouldnt change a thing in it, of course I also took to heart something my creative writing teacher once said, he told us to never revise because what comes out of your mind is what the poem is ment to be, a poem doesnt come to an author so they can change it. This is a deeply moving piece and a very well written one at that, keep writing hun.
    Sarah
    P.S. hang in there kev and as always if you need someone to talk to you know where I am. . .well internet wise lol. great piece man.
    | Posted on 2009-06-24 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
      DAMN.... wow this hits home for me. I love the end I LOVE the end

    ***She Said That The Rest Would Play Out On It's Own. She Said I Could Paint The Wall And Take A Nap At The Same Time.

    She Never Said It Would Feel This Good***

    "Pain the wall and take a nap at the same time"

    So freaking moving!! WOW umm I just can't get over this post. If I were to say anything as far as revising it it would be to NOT capitalize so much in that last phrase there, maybe its me and I'm a lil slow but it seems more of a distraction then anything.

    Yeah this is just so moving to me because in Dec last year I decided to do this but instead look a 12 gauge shot gun to my stomach... I have a few posts about it check it out. Once again... I LOVE IT

    Jackz

    | Posted on 2009-06-24 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]
      this seems to be a very deep poem of longing for meaning. it makes the reader want to try and help the person struggling, and i was brought to tears. i think the formatting was slightly unclear, with the periods from before sentances being in front of the first letter of the next line...but other than that i really liked it.
    | Posted on 2009-06-24 00:00:00 | by gwenn sundala | [ Reply to This ]


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