Dear lover, eagle scout, friend,
You scare me. More than bears, wasps, or darkness. You scare me because no one makes me smile like you do. No one hears the inflection of my voice and knows instantly how I feel no matter what words my mouth is forming. No one else carved a space for me in their future. But I worry that that space is too thin for me, too precariously balanced into a yoga pose and the space I need to fill is wide open. I need a place to lean and I need somewhere to fall. Sometimes it amazes me how much you consider me. How you call when you say you will and ask me how I feel. But sometimes you just don't see what I see. We don't march to the same beat, sometimes I wonder if you even hear the music. I want paintbrushes, sunsets, poetry, playgrounds and you... You want to live forever and see everything there is to see. I just want to appreciate where my eyes are landing. I don't need magnificent future plans and I am not at all concerned with my mortality. I just want to be in it, feel it, run with it and I am so worried you won't be able to follow me. You'll stop somewhere along the way, climb some rocks and end up in a city, whirring with lights and you'll lose me. You'll find money and magnificence but I... I will still be running with it.
I need you to feel real. I think sometimes you don't want to read Howl, you don't want to hear ska music, you don't want to let music take you over until all you feel is drums on your spine and you just move with it. Sometimes you don't want to paint the worlds picture on your walls and sometimes you don't want to hear about everything I think I know. And baby, thats fine for you but it just isn't enough for me. I want sparklers lighting my every day and I want late night conversations on forbidden football fields. I want to be a warrior, a princess, an explorer, a wife, a mother, a dancer, a painter, an everyday angel, I want to be everything song lyrics inspire in me. And I want you.
But what happens when I want to walk the yellow brick road and you want to see the surf in California? What happens when I need to come home and you need to visit Oregon? I worry I could get lost in making you happy and never remember my to do lists.
The worst part is, you deserve better. I am loud, demanding, selfish and I can't deny I would throw myself into loving you wholeheartedly but what if it just ruined me? Or you? I think you are a lovely boy. You were not a safe bet but you turned out so much better than I expected and I am grateful. But do I think you're solid? I am not so sure. I don't doubt that you love me or that you will keep me. But I do doubt you would appreciate the little things, the silver linings. And I need someone who sees me, all of me, every single piece and finds it all marvelous and stunning.
I hope its you. I really do. But I need you to know that I am worried. I don't mind if you don't care about Bob Dylan and I can let it go that you have never read all of High Fidelity. But if I can't spark your interest now, then what good am I to you?
Don't take this the wrong way. I adore you. I don't envy the thought of being without you. But you know me. I worry. I don't want to. And if you can find the words to soothe me, I will be grateful. But until then this will haunt me.
I love you. I wish that were everything. Maybe it can be.