the others by dannyshyboy

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Submission Name: the others dots

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Author:	dannyshyboy
ASL Info:	29/m/fl
Elite Ratio:	5.43 - 152/93/26
Words:	194

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	304
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1371

Description:
about how the economy and its afect on us.

the others dots

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We are the others
When once, not long ago, we were frowned upon;
Everyone is affected-

No insecticide will ward away the pests,
Financial dis-establishemnt.

Extraditing patience, time, mental hardships
We are feeding upon our own roseated desires permeating from possible accomplishments.

Where will I end up? - Where will we end up?

We, the innominated
Starved, homless- insanely lathargic, fatigued, at a loss.

We must exude strength, disgorge it from somewhere for without it we will lose.

I am too dependent on others to be sustained-
My solulable.
We shall embrace the solarium,
the ones assisting us in our survival as we worm through these virulent times.

We the others, have enough ruptured dreams.

We must multiply mutiny,
become the fumigant and not trapped in the furnace watching ourselves flutter like ash.

Innocuous criminals, [naive] youths...
the untrusted who can be loyal
the unstable who may have a chance at stability
the inexperienced, the college droup-outs
we all have the right to a furthurance beyond the application process
to make it beyond the interview
to land an inovation
to make it through.

Submitted on 2009-06-25 03:20:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
I disagree with Outlaws comment on perhapes making it into his own words here. It is your write, write it however you want it, besides, your version sounds way better than his version. As far as your poem goes, its far too true.

It reminds me of the [censored] I am going through right now, this economy has been a strain on all of us I am sure. I have to maintain two jobs and hope that they could give me that fourty hours. I have been spending four months looking for a better job that can support me and my girl friend at this new apartment we will be moving into a couple days, gas, electric, rent, phone bills, automobile insurance, gas for that automobile, grocieries. I also attended college last spring semester, and I plan on going back here in August, but I worry so much for the debts I will be in. I am just getting off of the streets for the second time in my life, and this very economy is just killing me, as I am sure it is killing you, as well with others.

Just got to keep pushing through hard times, but it is scary, as you stated inside of your poem, where are we going to go? What will happen to us? Inside of this overpopulating place, it seems as things are getting from bad to worse, but all in all, I suppose it makes it easier to think positive. And just hope and pray, we can make this all through.

Keep writing, this is going on my fave.
| Posted on 2009-06-28 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
I find the economics seldom have a place in poetry unless it is of the satirical variety. But yeah, so I'm just going to implement the changes I would suggest in your piece because there are quite a few (some being corrections), and I think it would be tedious ad nauseam for me to explain it all in a textual format.

We [is]* the others.
[Where once we frowned upon, we now are]
Everyone is affected-

Insecticides [can't] ward away the[se] pests
[of] financial [disestablishment].

Extraditing patience, time, [and] mental hardship
we're feeding upon our** [roseate] desires
permeating from [false] accomplishments.

Where will [I, no we
end up?]

We, the [innominates]
Starved, [homeless] - insanely [lethargic, languished.]

We must exude strength, [disentail] it
for without it, we will lose.

I am too dependent to be sustained-
My soluble***.
We shall embrace solarium,
[that which is] assisting us in our survival as we worm through these virulent times.

[The] others have enough ruptured dreams;
We must multiply mutiny,
become the fumigant [freed from] the furnace
[instead of] watching ourselves flutter like ash.

Innocuous criminals, [naïve] youths...
the untrusted who can be loyal,
the unstable who have a chance at stability,
the inexperienced, the college [drop-out]
we all have the right to a [furtherance] beyond the [pragmatical] process
to make it beyond the interview
to land an [innovation]
to make it through.

*I meant for this edition to be more satirical. We, the others, who are poor, I presume. I realize it falls into stereotypes and such, but that is the satire. You can totally not use this suggestion if you'd rather not. ;)
** 'Our own' is redundant. Our apprehends the tone of whatever ulterior object belonging to an 'us' so to subsequently say 'own' is, well, pointless. I also wanted to note that this entire stanza makes very little sense to me as the reader. I put 'false' as the final modification because I didn't really understand what you were getting at. Also, unless you're talking about theoretical jargon (like scientific theories) or options, saying 'the possible blah' is redundant as well.
*** I realllllllly had no flipping clue what you were getting at here. I just know that solulable isn't a word, the closest correction was soluble.

As for your poem overall, I like that you try to combine unorthodox concepts like pesticides and criminals, however, you aren't efficacious enough as a crafter to make it work. As is, your conclusion seems sporadic, random, as if the king of haphazard came along and sprinkled a bit of fairy dust to band aid your problem. The introduction chokes a lot too - as in, you don't seem to know what you are trying to say. You repeat yourself a lot without a point in mind, you know? Also, I hope you realize that disestablishment is a depravity engendered by the government.

You should realize that although a lot of this criticism seems extremely critical, mean, and whatever else, that I am just trying to help you. You can take any of it, or leave it all (even the corrections). I'm here as a writer, so it goes without being said (at least it ought to) that I mean to support you in your crafting. Good working, and luck!

Outlaw
| Posted on 2009-06-27 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.