All I have is me by DivideofNations

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Submission Name: All I have is me dots

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Author:	DivideofNations
Elite Ratio:	0.89 - 0/2/8
Words:	187

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	51
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1193

Description:

All I have is me dots

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Because I,
Will cherish in my life,
All the good that I know,
Savor whats sacred,
Abolish all my hatred,

Because you see,
All I have is me,
It's all I want to be,
No burdens, completely free,

Because I,
I know sometimes it gets really hard,
I know sometimes that's the hardest part,
You should know by now,
If you didn't already,
Take one step at a time,
Keep it slow and steady,

I know sometimes the world can be cruel,
I know you hate it and to me that's cool,
As I look in the mirror I see,
However blessed I may be,
I can throw everything away,
But all I have is me,

Because you see,
All I have is me,
I want to live completely free,
Of the shapes and changes of society,

Blessed be, is that me?
Happiness at this current time has a fee,
Purchase something please if you want to live free,

Because you see,
It's all I want to be,
All I have is me,
Purchase something if you want to live free.

Submitted on 2009-06-25 06:50:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
"Because I,
Will cherish in my life,
All the good that I know,
Savor whats sacred,
Abolish all my hatred,"

Hey there! okay let's start critiquing :D I
I think you should take out a few commas, they pause way to much which stops the easy read of a fluid poem, for instance

"Because I
will cherish in my life,
all that is that I know.
Savor what's sacred,
As I abolish all my hatred."

now i don't mean to rewrite your poem, what i mean is you might want to change the sentence structure so it doesn't seem to be one big stutter.

"Because you see,
All I have is me,
It's all I want to be,
No burdens, completely free,"

Now again you over use the commas, try to end "Free" with a period to give the person a chance to breath. And you might want to rethink the way you start your stanza, it seems that everyone/other one has a "Because" in it which detracts from what can be pure and simple beauty of the written word.

"Because I,
I know sometimes it gets really hard,
I know sometimes that's the hardest part,
You should know by now,
If you didn't already,
Take one step at a time,
Keep it slow and steady,"

Now you have an extra, un-needed "I" it breathes a little bit of redundancy into this piece. now this part

"I know sometimes it gets really hard,
I know sometimes that's the hardest part,"

You basically repeated yourself, only in the second line it was worded differently, so really one of those statements are not needed. Again i think you should end this with a period.

"I know sometimes the world can be cruel,
I know you hate it and to me that's cool,
As I look in the mirror I see,
However blessed I may be,
I can throw everything away,
But all I have is me,"

your rhyme seems a bit forced, as if you couldn't find the right fitting words so went with the simple I-bye-hi-cry-sigh-lie type of rhythm. and you've repeated the "all i have is me" part so it takes away from when you first stated it.

"Because you see,
All I have is me,
I want to live completely free,
Of the shapes and changes of society,"

there's that dreaded because , aaaand you've stated the all i has is me again o.o okay just take what i said from above and paste it here

"Blessed be, is that me?
Happiness at this current time has a fee,
Purchase something please if you want to live free,"

I've noticed by now that you tend to repeat yourself a lot, if you've ran out of words hon i'd suggest trying to end it before you become repetitive and lose your audience's interest.

"Because you see,
It's all I want to be,
All I have is me,
Purchase something if you want to live free."

I can see you want to make a profound impact with your words (wow this took me 30 minutes to look over your poem) and i'd suggest a bit of rewording and messing with the punctuation.

welp i hope i've helped you in some way or another :D

~Nikki

| Posted on 2009-06-25 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]

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