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We are of Mountains and Matricide


Author: Cloacina
ASL Info:    25/F/KY
Elite Ratio:    5.24 - 20 /53 /54
Words: 483
Class/Type: Poetry /Nature
Total Views: 1109
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 3357



Description:


Needs work, too long, but here it is for the moment.


We are of Mountains and Matricide



I'm an extension
of my environment.

My bones,
a tumble
of traveling limbs.

My feet,
filed rough with rocks,
press into the Earth.

I watch her flesh
mold to accept me,
know I belong to these mountains,
my footprints walking
with ancestral ghosts.

Know that I am
of the wild creativity of earth,
the spirt of receptive water,
resolute soil,
uncontrolled air,
and antiquity.
We are of antiquity.

The hills
once ripened with sweet rivers of rain,
have been poisoned.

Her rivers swell
inside my breasts-
arsenic
and mercury.

Her milk is drying up.

I watch my neighbors bury her
beneath her own flesh.

My parched mouth waits,
watches my faucet leaking
dry earth,
and brittle metal bones.

I watch my siblings assemble,
to push her in ways she will not bend.

They shave her bare,
and I am naked
against relentless waters,
and the battery
of unchecked winds.

As she thins,
so do my cuboards-
the sacks of poke, plaintain,
dry land fish,
sassafras tea,
dandelions and berries.....

....and my medicine cabinet
of black cohosh,
mullein cough syrup,
sang,
and yeller root.

My body shakes with the violence,
of her exhaustion,
her death rattle catches,
a desperate bug
in my throat.

The wings crushed
against closed, hungry necks,
fall to my feet.
She will not rise again.

I watch her sink
into herself,
houses and wells
sink into unstable land,
my hope
sinks away,
buried beneath the new ground.

The storms replace
her fortitude.

I tried to read the lines
detailed on her bones,
like holy words.

My stone chapel,
where I held the thoughts of God,
for FREE,
has been torn down
to make way for the church of greed.

Inside,
I can find discounted books
full of human thoughts
about what the thoughts of God might be.

Something seems lost
in translation.

Outside,
all her secret places,
her ancient caves,
where my ancestors sought refuge.
have been replaced with warholian houses,
that taunt me with her name.

Mountain View,
Chestnut Mountain,
Mountain,
Mountain,
Mountain,
Come See Our Mountains (dissapear)....
come see.

I stare into dark eyes,
above yellow faces full of smiles
that light up her grave.

They have buried her
beneath the black orchard.

I take her last breath into mine,
a black spill of ink,
from when we signed it
all away.

Somewhere past the white circle gate,
my lungs
for an urn.
And her name
was Appalachia.




Submitted on 2009-06-27 16:16:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Personally, I like long poems, and I don't think that this is too long at all, but I do think it needs a little stream-lining. Some of the verses strike me as being a little redundant, to be honest, but I like the idea behind it, and some of the lines are lovely.

I think that te opening line would sound better if it read:

'I am an extension
of my environment'

it just sounds nicer aloud that way, I think.

I thought that the third stanza could be totally taken out, so that the second stands out more. I love the second stanza, and I think it really deserves that extra emphasis.

I also think that the fifth stanza would sound better with a repetition of 'of', such as

'Know that I am
of the wild creativity of the earth,
of the spirit of receptive water,
of resolute soil'
etc. It would just sound more connected then, and bring an oomph to the final 'We are of antiquity'.

I find that the last lines in stanza twelve, whilst being lovely lines in themselves, are a little too much. It would sound better if it went straight from:

'They shave her bare
and I am naked'

to

'As she thins
so do my cupboards'
(typo on cupboards, too, but that's just nitpicking.)

and if the 'dandelions and berries' were taken out, too. Just to streamline it a little. I think the idea of that line gets a little lost behind the list.

I thought that all of stanza 17 was redundant, it sounds nice but I don't think it adds anything to the poem.

Stanzas 19 and 20 are really beautiful, kudos for those two, especially 20.

Stanzas 21 and 22 didn;t read as well. Again, I just think it needs a little streamlining. I was thinking something like:

'My stone chapel
where I held the thoughts of God
has been torn down
to make way for the church of greed.

Inside...'

I think that just getting rid of that line makes it all pop a little better. Just a little change.

The ending is really good, I love how you bring some kind of merging between you and, Mother Nature?, in to the whoe poem, it reminds me how connected we are to her really, even in our stone houses with central heating and stuff. We still need her to live so we can live.

I hope I wasn't too presumptuous, just some ideas I had when I was reading this.

Aly
| Posted on 2009-07-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  I usually stray away from poems this long but I could not look away,
I liked it alot,

Spin
| Posted on 2009-07-03 00:00:00 | by Spin | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good description and easy to follow. Form and structure is good, however, it may be a little bit long.

Frank.
| Posted on 2009-07-02 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]


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