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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Lighter, Your Cigarettedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ANGELO
    ASL Info:    23 / Male / Ortigas
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1428/821/152
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 121
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1340



    Description:
       To Jessie... who can only be admired from a far.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Lighter, Your Cigarettedots
    -------------------------------------------





    With a spark and a renaissance cradled between us
    allow me to ward off a conquering veil
    that devours the very Atlantis of you.

    Let me know of the nobles that nest in your cave,
    horticultures of hope camped in caverns within
    and aristocrats savagely living off glories
    that no longer dance with the drape of the dawn.
    But not once should you ask me to bring them to safety.
    Not once should you ask me to nestle these watered-down whims
    on a boat bound to sail for a shoreline
    unsheltered by shadows that swallow your skin.

    For I’m merely the sailor that wades on your docks
    with a stray condescension
    that welters your waves
    and a passing Prometheus bearing a flame you once
    made for your self with a strike and a stone.

    Let me light up the lighthouse you left on your lips.
    Let me detail the dunes that encircle your eyes.
    And allow me to make my way back to an ocean
    where you are a beaconing promise of land and I’m

    merely a voyage that longs for the shore.





    Submitted on 2009-06-28 22:08:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love the way you describe her and all the aspects you lay bare in such wondrous comparisons ie. Her eyes and lips etc. This really adds flavor to the piece and just sucks you in to wanting to read more. The part of the nobles also was quite unexpected and also defined the piece a certain way. My gavorite line would have to be : "for i'm merely the sailor that wades on your docks", this speaks multitudes of meanings and just sounds so beautiful and longing in a sense. Definitely a fine piece here, i think it has a sweet body and such a great visual panorama for the senses. Good work!

    :-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-11-21 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Holy [censored], you have grown kid. Makes me remember exactly why I missed your presence here. (Not that I forgot, but ya know, it's an expression.)

    This is so beautiful. And hits home. Intimacy and longing between two people...and how one person can be a mirror to another, reflecting their truest image...

    I was going to go off on some nonsensical tangent but I will simply fave this and go like this for a while:

    praise praise praisity praise lalalalalalalalalal praise this is good lalalalalalalalal this is the first time in history I am doing this lalalalalalalalala praise praise praise but somehow I know this will be alright with you because you're you alalalalalalalalalalala

    PRAISE

    Now that I have highly praised you, can I play around with your line breaks? I think parts of this could read smoother. I do not think the words themselves need changing, but some of the line terminations/beginnings are worth reviewing:

    With a spark and a renaissance cradled between us
    allow me to ward off a conquering veil
    that devours the very Atlantis of you.

    Let me know of the nobles that nest in your cave,
    horticultures of hope camped in caverns within
    and aristocrats savagely living off glories
    that no longer dance with the drape of the dawn.
    But not once should you ask me to bring them to safety.
    Not once should you ask me to nestle these watered-down whims
    on a boat bound to sail for a shoreline
    unsheltered by shadows that swallow your skin.

    For I’m merely the sailor that wades on your docks
    with a stray condescendence (condescension?)
    that welters your waves
    and a passing Prometheus bearing a flame you once
    made for your self with a strike and a stone.

    Let me light up the lighthouse you left on your lips.
    Let me detail the dunes that encircle your eyes.
    And allow me to make my way back to an ocean
    where you are a beaconing promise of land and I’m

    merely a voyage that longs for the shore.


    Or something. You are the poet--use your intuition, poet.

    And you have reduced me to a blubbering idiot.

    La la la praise...
    | Posted on 2009-06-29 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]


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