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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Divergencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 997
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 615



    Description:
       Thoughts? Suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDivergencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    When our paths diverged
    it was with a handshake,
    a hug, and the sense
    of geometric inevitability. 

    I will miss our proximity-
    the way our lives entertwined;
    how we corkscrewed together
    up, down and along an axis. 

    We were a set,
    two functions moving with, 
    then against each other-
    but always close.

    If I could,
    I would shake the axes
    of this Cartesian plane
    like some demented Atlas. 
    Then we would tear the bounds
    of broken geometry
    and undo our incongruity.     




    Submitted on 2009-06-30 16:58:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, Outlaw, I disagree with...

    Never mind. If I've learned anything, its to not comment on comments.

    I actually really liked the math thing more than I thought I would. As someone who enjoys math to a reasonable degree, but is only just about to do Pre-Calc, a few references are a little obscure and confusing to me. But, hey, whatever floats your boat (God, I really need to stop using stupid sayings like that). I also like how math was only introduced in line four. It gave me a little "oh cool!" turnaround moment.

    However, it could use some work (what doesn't?), including punctuation confusion in verse three and other such nitpicky things.

    A good poem, though, and lots of fun to read.
    | Posted on 2009-08-18 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      I always did prefer euclidean geometry. I, to be quite honest, find your poem to be a tad bit unoriginal. This is perhaps half-witty, but not refreshing wholly. It is like a half-bitten, well past ripened fruit. A conglomeration of inarticulate words, following a flush theme, but without feeling.

    Those are a few of my thoughts.

    Now, onto my suggestions. Add more meat to this, and if you want good to be dripping off of it, work it a lot more. For example, your first stanza is REALLY weak. This is just a few ideas run a muck amongst your words...:

    When we diverged it was like an earthquake;
    a cold [milk]shake (or shiver?) with a sip of inevitability.
    We, in our unity, paralleled for a while, indiscreetly
    only nuanced in our separate values.

    And it is with words like 'proximity' that this poem demonstrates its own lack of aptness. It is technical, which intones irony because the subject is all but technical. But you've established a theme of linear algebra (and geometry?) as your technical points.

    Your third stanza bothers me in particular because it explicitly says 'we are' rather than 'we are LIKE.' 'two functions' reads as if you were both tools, or something. And the dash leading up to the final verse of this stanza is just weird.. the 'but' in particular.

    The final stanza is much better, in my mind, because it reads as much more poetic than the rest of the poem. I was a little disappointed to not see the mention of complex numbers (or imaginary ones) after the 'destruction' of the Cartesian plane. I think if you used better imagery in the first stanza, you could create a correlation between the initial 'tearing' which causes the separation, and a final 'tearing' which engenders the unification.

    Etc.
    | Posted on 2009-06-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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