Description: Nostalgia again I guess. I'd mainly like to hear your thoughts, but if anyone would care to help me as regards my puncuation that would be fine too.
Seventeen Cadogan road
I could call round to your house
just past the watchmaker Tom
always keeping perfect time
making sure to stay on the foot-path
I might call for you if it was nice out
that is to say, your name was Megan
and I can't remember all that much about you
but you must have had some effect on me
because I remember dipping our fingers into the black tar
your little manner of speaking
such routes as the Autumn ways we would take
around the backs of houses
kicking up the leaves as we swept past
did you know I had a bus stop out my back garden?
that was actually a long time before I lived in Cadogan road
and I've since been with a few other girls
we live in different haunts
discussing more important stuff
but I always take a quick look out the window
when I'm on the bus cutting through Fairview
to see you still stand out in my mind
vividly
I enjoy the way you write friend. I find it refreshing to see someone who enjoys word play a bit, and whose memories like mine seem so damnably fresh as to appear as almost still breathing and living things in his present. I find the name intriguing as everyone else does. Keep writing please, we irish americans need more decent gaelic literature. take it easy, texas wishes you hello.
I've done a little messing with grammar in this, but maybe don't listen to all of this. I say that because your writing has a kind of...raw...feel to it, and I think too much punctuation could really diminish that. But really, whatever makes you happy.
Also, one line I couldn't entirely understand without punctuation, so it was hard to put some in and make it mean either one thing or the other, without knowing what you meant.
(Number) Seventeen Cadogan road:
I could call round to your house,
just past the watchmaker Tom
(always keeping perfect time),
making sure to stay on the foot-path.
I might call for you if it was nice out (line
break would be good here)
that is to say, your name was Megan (does this follow l6?)
and I can't remember all that much about you
but you must have had some effect on me
because I (do) remember
dipping our fingers into the black tar, (suggest line break maybe)
your little manner of speaking,
such routes as the Autumn ways we would take
around the backs of houses
kicking up the leaves as we swept past.
Did you know I had a bus stop (in) my back garden?
That was actually a long time before I lived (on) Cadogan road
and I've since been with a few other girls.
We live in different haunts
discussing more important stuff
but I always take a quick look out the window
when I'm on the bus cutting through Fairview
to see you still (standing) out in my mind
vividly.
Ok, where I asked if it followed l6- that affects if a comma or full stop should go there. I'm guessing it does, because you start it with 'that is to say', which is a follow up statement, but you do have this rawness...you just mess around with what's 'accepted' or whatever, so I left that alone.
The few words I've changed make this grammatically, god, I can't think of the word, sensical? or something. Like 'on Cadogan road' rather than 'in'.
As I said, change the bits you want, leave what you don't. That's just my take on what punctuation you need.
What a mystical air that name has to it. The title says read me, and the first words agree. It's a whimsical street name, I wish I could claim one such as it in my past addresses. I think the street name is my favorite part of the whole poem. That's probably a bit silly...but I did really like it... Hm... Seventeen Cadogen Road...
That just sounds brilliant.
The break of lines in the poem is a true art.
I wish I could write more, but, alas, I run low on time.
This was captivating and beautiful in such a deep sense. Often the mind lingers on in such little memories and such little moments in time. I can feel these words lingering deep in my own soul, different scenario but the same thoughts and meaning. I love this and will be sure to add this to my favorites list.
Hey i actually love this piece, it's like i am there and experiencing these memories in a different world yet seems so real. This piece created that kind of longing feeling in myself, a kind of feeling that is hard to place but is powerful altogether.
My fav lines are :
"and i've since been with a few other girls"
"we live in different haunts"
This is very powerful to me and evokes the greates trains of thought, these lines mean alot to me and i have to say this piece also did. Thank you for sharing!
I know the boundaries of poetry are vague but I see this as interesting prose about your attraction to the girl, -- nice nostalgic memories! Check your spelling of relevant, last stanza L 3. Ted.
Submission Name: 17 Cadogan Road
