Yours To Decide by silverpen

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Submission Name: Yours To Decide dots

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Author:	silverpen
ASL Info:	16/F/Right Behind You
Elite Ratio:	3.47 - 16/34/31
Words:	86

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nature
Total Views:	53
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	555

Description:
Not really sure what I can explain here... hm. It started off to where I was going to write it about a baby bird (Since I took care of some the other day) but then it just ended up being about children in general. Enjoy.

Yours To Decide dots

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A tiny life.
Frail, fragile bones and blood
That may be held
In the palm of your hand.
Soft, it is sugar
To the tongue of your eyes.
It is innocence
That may not complain.
That will rely on your touch
Alone, to live.
The children of our bodies.
They fight,
Not for the right to die,
Which all children have,
But to remain.
To be precious.
To grow from frailty,
And on one day,
Host another small life
Within their own.

Submitted on 2009-07-03 11:24:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I think this starts off well, the first line sucks you in straight away- there's something startling in its simplicity, and the alliteration in the next few lines pull you through the poem, make it compelling. The first six lines read really nicely.
I think that lines 7-10 feel clumsy compared to the start, the poem loses its pace, it just seems to dwindle a little. Maybe the syntax feels a little forced, but somehow it doesn't read right to me.
Lines 11-20- The poem picked up again here, but I think in line 19 you have one syllable too many for the rhythm. How about 'a new small life/within their own'? Or something like that anyway, I think that would help it finish off as well as it began.
Generally, I found your plain speech captivating, it allowed your thoughts to stand alone, didn't confuse anything with heavy language.
| Posted on 2009-07-05 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  It reminds me of why I hate abortion. Reminds me of something I once read, about how a baby devlopes, it was a diary. Starting from day one to day twenty seven, the last entry was "Today my mother killed me" . . . . . There are missplaced comma's and captilazation but that's it....LOVE IT!!! FAVING IT!!!
| Posted on 2009-07-03 00:00:00 | by Scaredheart | [ Reply to This ]
  loses steam towards the end but otherwise very good. Truthfull observations and a quiet subtlety in your voice make the words ressonate. I've read your most impressive line in a different poem by someone else (though I'm sure it is just coincidence), that about the tongue-like eyes. Still, very strong writing fo rthe most part, perhaps the ending was a littlw too obvious, it's the kind of conclusion the reader should come to themselves after reading the poem, not a thought to spoon feed outright like your last two lines.

-Craig
| Posted on 2009-07-03 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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