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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Did Not Feel the Chainsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mojymo
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 50/59/41
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 701
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 954



    Description:
       I've been in one too many relationships and have found myself trapped by my own ignorant words, unable to back out w/o getting hurt or hurting my partner. Can you believe that these chains have yet to fade completely to this very day?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Did Not Feel the Chainsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They wrapped around me softly,
    gentle as the bare caress of fingertips
    on my crying skin.
    I let them slip behind my back,
    locked them together
    with wasted words and lies.
    How foolish I was!
    My life is nothing but a maze.
    I never lost my way,
    I just lost the map.
    Upon my wanderings,
    I found a key
    and a golden thread
    that led me to a beast
    in the half-lit dungeon
    below.
    He seduced me w/
    a thousand words,
    painting a picture as each one
    slipped into the air
    with the weight of velvet
    as it shimmered before his lips
    in the little space between us.
    My own lies created the chains he held.
    I did not feel them sting my flesh
    with a bitter cold
    or realize that my trembling
    was a shiver from their icy embrace.

    End: 11:18 pm
    Fri. July 3, 09




    Submitted on 2009-07-03 22:21:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Critique mood:


    Lines 1-10:

    I love how you begin with basic emotions, it allows the reader to feel more involved, well I can only speak for myself, but it gives a more broader depth than basically stating "I have chains on me." nice poetic flare there. "Crying Skin" That's unique, and a bit refreshing from the everyday jaded words that you will see scattered through out this site and even some of my very own poems. Line 6 bothered me slightly considering the "w/" I'm usually a firm believer if you're writing a poem usually you should like write out every word, though i know that sounds harsh, it's just something that has been pounded into my head by many Elitists since i was 15 going on 16 years old. Lines 8 and 9 "My life is nothing but a maze.-I never lost my way," Usually when someone uses the metaphor, 'maze' they speak of an endless sprawling place, nothing but confusion and barely finding their own way, wewt went a bit poetic on you there, but that is sort of nice to see someone use it in a different way for a change.

    Lines 11-20:

    These lines actually brought a few stories to mind, like The Secret Garden and A thousand and One Nights (or Arabian Tales) I know I'm not critiquing this in the correct order that it is being read/spoken in but i need to break it down to get a full appreciation of it's contents. that was a bit of a side note okay i'll stop digressing. You have painted a beautiful imagery here, it brings to mind bold colors of deep maroon and vivid blues. Which i know may sound weird to you but lately i've been associating things with color o_o In the way of critiquing i haven't found anything that i would point out for a look over and/or revise so i'll just move on.

    Lines 21-28:

    I spotted something right away on this part, that might have been intentional or not:

    "with the weight of velvet-and shimmered before his lips"

    I think that [and] throws it off a bit, it could read:

    "with the weight of velvet- that shimmered before his lips"

    or

    "with the weight of velvet- as it shimmered before his lips"

    In all this brings a sort of exotic type image. But also a blissful ignorance that seems to fill the spaces that are being said. the whole "i was oblivious to it all before it was to late" type thing is what i mean.

    So to wrap this comment up, i would say over all i love it, there are a few points that seemed to take away from it just slightly enough to be noticeable but not enough to stop the entranced reader from continuing on. So well done and i hope what i've said helped you in some way

    With as much love that can possibly be held by one person,
    Nikki
    | Posted on 2009-07-04 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


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    176134

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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