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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: With a Failure's Handsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mojymo
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 50/59/41
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 672
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 825



    Description:
       I consider myself a kid psychiatrist. I've helped many a friend through the suicides and death of loved ones...and, on occasion, I failed. I fought for each one of them, sacrificing more than I wanted. And why? B/c I knew it was the right thing to do, and I was determined to help to the fullest extent. And, yet, despite all of my efforts, they meant nothing to the one I helped for so long and so were discarded. I remained and remain unforgiven.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWith a Failure's Handsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Defeat is the mask I wear today.
    It's embedded in every pore,
    and dripping over my bare flesh,
    mingling with the sweat and blood I shed
    to bear this dishonor.
    I took sword in hand and defended you,
    fought your battles when you could not,
    mended your pride and faced your demons...
    when you were weak.
    My strength began to lose its grace.
    The sword faltered as it shuddered under the clash
    of foreign steel.
    My knees caused an earthquake of destruction
    as they collided with the scarred face of the battlefield.
    And you fell through,
    meeting the angry rocks below
    like an unromantic rendezvous.
    I died for your sake...
    Will you not forgive me?

    End: 11:27 PM
    Fri. July 3, 09




    Submitted on 2009-07-03 22:31:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah much improved just by changing certain details. Good stuff:)

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-07-07 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there okay I don't think I can give you another long comment like I did on your other poem, but I will try my best.

    I think Craig has taken everything in a literal sense, which normally I do so too, but I think I'm a bit more open minded so far.

    My first thought when I read this, was that it was not meant for the masses. You are speaking of something only you and who ever else is involved truly know so we, as your reader, can't fully comprehend what you are trying to say. so from a disjointed view I think this is a poem more for you to get out what is on your shoulders, than for someone else to read and go "hmm"

    haha that sounded way better in my head.

    "My strength began to lose its agility"

    I think I know what you mean here, that your strength is losing it's gracefulness and it's getting that much harder for you to keep moving forward.
    Ionno though so if i got even close can i have a cookie? :D

    I love how you make this seem more of a physical type battled wrapped inside a battle of will and minds. You seem to put a lot on the main character here, and also you seem to create a harsh aspect for the person who is fighting.

    that is basically all my damn mind can wring out of this so i hope i've said at least something worth reading? o.O

    With hopes, best wishes, and sparkly things,
    Nikki
    | Posted on 2009-07-04 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      You need to watch out for bad syntax, I think a good edit would clear things up here. Things like stregnth losing it's agility, these are two seperate things that are off-putting placed together like that, there were one or two other clunky bits but I do think on the whole this is quite good.

    "meeting the angry rocks below
    like an unromantic rendezvous"

    You might have phrased that a little better but I still reckon it's a killer line. You stuck to your concept well and I like how you have the reader almost weary when they hear these battles recounted. You took a proper of voice tone for the poem which worked well.

    So keep at it, this was a pretty decent effort.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-07-04 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked all of the symbolism. Personally I don't think you need the very first line of the poem. I feel like it distracts from the rest of it. I could really relate to this work because I also try to help my friends and I feel like I fail a lot of the time, but they still come back for more advice. Oh and you wrote w/ instead of with. It's not really bad I just personally dislike uses of im speak in writing.
    This poem seemed like a release of anger than anything else. It actually would have made a really good short story.
    This was good! keep it up! :D
    | Posted on 2009-07-04 00:00:00 | by ArwenDune | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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