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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Illusionists Everywheredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ethan Brody
    ASL Info:    35 - M - Chile
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 440/205/78
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 763



    Description:
        I wrote this fairly recently. It does resemble some of my old pieces because my new writes tend to be different somehow. I guess new experiences can be always accounted for the changes on one's poetry, I posit.

    I'm quite fond of this alleged little poem it's been a while since I last used so much burning passion to scribble something down .... no idea if it shows through though .... I guess that the right inspiration always does the trick!


    Well, I'm interested in getting if this makes any sense, it certainly does to me ..... I'd like to know what you can understand out of it ....

    I will check on your writes if you help me up with this one ... suggestions and any type of comments are obviously welcome. I don't mind negatives critiques so if you have a few of them ... be my guess.

    Thanks,

    Ethan


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIllusionists Everywheredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Illusionists on the street
    sparking magic
    and doves are seen,
    flying out of a hat
    they freely fly,
    high in the sky
    as Apollo would
    in his sacred chariot.

    So high would they reach,
    so intense is the trip
    that their winds get tired
    of the fluttering beat,
    though they wouldn't give up
    and carry on the journey
    until they get what they want
    until one thing befalls.

    A very dire trial
    - a dear dove's demise -
    and moment later
    the other, too, is slain,
    a wound in their cores
    has triggered a new trail
    blood in the air
    Blood everywhere!





    Submitted on 2009-07-04 14:52:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You have a nice nippy little piece here. It moves quickly and flows well as you read it. I like the speed of it -- it matches the movement of the bird's flight.

    I feel the punctuation is hit and miss though. You seem to add it in certain places and then seem to forget in others. I wonder if maybe using a single purpose for this may help: either committing to using punctuation all the way through, or doing away with it completely. Just a thought.

    'they freely fly,
    high in the sky'

    I feel this was the easy choice to go for - fly and sky rhyming. It's a tad predictable and maybe just a little forced. I tend to write without much thought of rhyme schemes, and I'm constantly surprised at how naturally those rhyming sounds emerge by themselves. I would say have a go at trying that sometime and see how it works for you. Writing exercises are always useful, I think.

    Also, I think I might be tempted to take that second use of 'fly' out completely and maybe replace it with something like 'soar' or 'wheel'.

    'they freely wheel,
    high in the sky'

    You get that nice double ee sound in there when using 'wheel'.

    I like the mention of Apollo, especially considering he's the God of poetry (amongst other things). He gives a solid credibility to this verse.

    In the second stanza, I think 'winds' is supposed to be 'wings'. Just a small typo. It doesn't really detract from the writing. I love how you match 'reach' and 'beat' with their similar sounds. I'm not sure if this was done deliberately but it works really well. The final four lines in this stanza, however, seem a little confused and ill-matched. I wonder if you could revise this a little to make it read more smoothly, and to change the double use of 'until' at the beginning of those two lines. Maybe something like:

    'defeat not in their nature
    the journey their means
    to find all they desire
    until one action befalls'

    I don't know. It's just a thought.

    The last verse holds some nice alliteration; the dear dove's demise is very nice. You may want to either add an 'a' to the third line or an 's' to 'moments':

    and a moment later
    or
    and moments later.

    I like how the poem ends, too. The exclamation point really hits it home with an almost grisly sense of enjoyment. Very visual. It works well; the final rhyming couplet does its job. A good finish to a poem which, when broken down to focus on its effective parts, works well, but is slightly less accessible when read as a whole without pause to consider the finer points.

    Thanks for posting it. Interesting read.

    -Jacoby
    | Posted on 2010-07-11 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      I found this to be a comment on the dark side of mystery. The idea that the "magic" can be stretched and pushed beyond it's limits.
    The Apollo's chariot lines gave a great imagery to the piece.
    | Posted on 2009-08-23 00:00:00 | by fictionalfiend | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm... I like the begining of this poem, you really have good line there but then it turns into a cliché. This poem was inspired by those black and white films where red is the only colour present, usually a rose or blood. Maybe you should rewrite it and add some more colour.
    | Posted on 2009-07-04 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]


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