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Among The Water Serpents


Author: LucyDiamond
ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365 /575 /251
Words: 170
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 909
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 996



Description:


A villanelle written a few months ago.


Among The Water Serpents



I am terrified by the woman I see.
She is a witch, quick with tricks and wise;
This woman is everything I’ll never be.

She is one woman, but she may as well be three.
She owns herself, the men, and all goodbyes.
I am terrified by the woman I see.

She is a serpent, hailing from the wicked sea,
Wearing red hair and ashen peel for disguise.
This woman is everything I’ll never be.

She is a plague, and won’t comply with any plea
She will poison you and approve of your cries—
I am terrified by the woman I see.

She belongs to herself, and she is free;
You can see the vile liberty burning in her eyes.
This woman is everything I’ll never be.

But when I look at her, and I look at me,
There is alarm in her gaze, in our guise—
I am terrified by the woman I see.
This woman is everything I’ll never be.





Submitted on 2009-07-04 16:44:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This reads nicely, it has a lovely rhythm. The imagery is intense, and it's very compelling. I love the line 'wearing red hair and ashen peel for disguise', there's something deathly, scary, about that image.
I think, though, that in the fourth verse the middle line is just a little too long, it kind of makes you skip the next beat. Maybe something like 'she will poison you and laud your cries' would sound a little better and get the reader into the next line a little more smoothly? Just a thought.
On the whole I thought this was amazing, I love villanelles. The final verse, with the merging of you and this woman, is a wonderful finish, it's startling.
Great job.
| Posted on 2009-07-05 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  "This woman is everything I’ll never be"

Do you really think that is true? Or are you tryinh to convince yourself it is that way?
| Posted on 2009-07-04 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]


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