[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Too Much Informationdots

    Author: mojymo
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 50/59/41
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 378
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1279

       I know some stanzas need some work like, maybe the first one b/c it may be too long, stanza 4, and stanza 6. Tell me what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsToo Much Informationdots

    You've got it all covered.
    From the dismembered limbs
    to the bloody torso.
    All secrets lie under the bed
    or leaking in the bathtub
    in a locked bathroom
    just down the hall
    and to the right.

    You're not the one to keep
    sticky skeletons in your closet,
    still juicy with flesh.
    Just let me think...
    You're the kind of person
    who dissects herself
    with a butterknife
    just for two sips of pain
    instead of one.

    Your mind is harder than three vault walls
    and a man hole cover.
    But your heart is softer than
    a pile of mushrooms.

    Oceans don't rise and fall
    in your eyes.
    It's a volcano resting beyond
    that horizon,
    roaring and spilling over,
    melting the people you see,
    baking them into ash.

    You pick your brown scabs,
    let the puss
    ooze down your leg,
    torturing your flesh
    just because you can.

    What did I expect?
    The first day we met
    you told me of your crimes,
    binding us together
    with secrets never dreamed of.

    End: 11:21 pm
    Wed. July 8, 2009

    Submitted on 2009-07-08 22:33:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hey i can't see anything wrong with this, it's eye candy to me. Everything is smooth and laid out, poweerful descriptions make it a gripping tale and just makes you want to read more and more. I loved it. I have to keep an eye on your works, seem like they are starting to become even better and better.. Nice work man, keep it up! I like the part of her dissecting herself with a butterknife, that was very vivid in it's imagery. Thanks for sharing this!
    | Posted on 2009-09-04 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn! I liked this! Your work seems to have improved dramatically. I loved your use of imagery/metaphor. It was SO original.

    Sorry to sound a nag, but just to get this out of the way: It should be "Your mind..." as opposed to "you're".

    I particularly liked "But your heart is softer than a pile of mushrooms" and "Melting the people you see/baking them into ash"...Infact I loved that whole stanza...

    This is my favourite piece ever on here, and the most original submission I've read. What more can I say? Fantastic!
    | Posted on 2009-07-27 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]