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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What Do I Dodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: trynfinity
    ASL Info:    38/f/California
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 149/145/91
    Words: 310
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 943
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1845



    Description:
       What do I do
    how do I make you see?
    I was lost and I was broken
    before you started loving me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat Do I Dodots
    -------------------------------------------


    What do I do
    how do I make you see?
    I was lost and I was broken
    before you started loving me.

    Because of you I am better
    not perfect in any way.
    See I would wake up crying
    because I was alive another day.

    I don't sit before the mirror
    with a knife open in my hand.
    Trying to find a reason
    to believe in who I am.

    So much of that has changed
    because of what you say.
    Because of the way you saw me
    but was the price too high to pay?

    I don't make you happy
    I haven't for so long.
    I am panicked and I am desperate
    most often though I'm wrong.

    Is the only answer
    to say good-bye and walk away?
    Is that the right thing for you
    so your heart no longer pays?

    Knowing that if I'm gone
    I don't call or come around.
    I'll disappear from your heart forever
    lost I won't be found.

    So here I am again
    broken beyond repair.
    You've changed the way you see me
    I make it too hard for you to care.

    I know you don't believe me
    you don't think that I still try.
    You think I never want you
    do you only think I lie?

    When I make an effort
    to show you what you mean.
    How much I truly want you
    the way I want you in my dreams.

    I fail to make you see it
    make you believe that it is real.
    I walk away again the failure
    I guess I always will.

    So if I really love you
    the way it screams inside my soul.
    Then answer to this question,
    it seems is to walk away and let you go.






    Submitted on 2009-07-12 22:49:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      honestly the firs threes stanzas are the truth

    "What do I do
    how do I make you see?
    I was lost and I was broken
    before you started loving me.

    Because of you I am better
    not perfect in any way.
    See I would wake up crying
    because I was alive another day.

    I don't sit before the mirror
    with a knife open in my hand.
    Trying to find a reason
    to believe in who I am. "

    See this is what i come here for, i stopped coming for a while but thank you for posting again. u pack so much in little stanzas... and u dont overkill with the rhyme, i tend to do that, i know, but, hey, poly syllabic is my thing, Im kinda a rapper. sometimes just str* rhyme is the best, and you definitely prove that here. and by the way...if i were him, i wouldnt let you go....especially after reading this...
    | Posted on 2010-03-10 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      wow very powerful. i loved this.. i can relate to this feeling in a way.. this is deff a new fav of mine. nice job with writing it. it was very moveing.. keep up the good work



    tayla
    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by SickOfHurting U | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that this piece has a lot of promise, you have a very clear writing style and you're not afraid to put your painful emotions down on paper (or the computer screen, but hey).

    I think that this verse:
    'I don't sit before the mirror
    with a knife open in my hand.
    Trying to find a reason
    to believe in who I am'
    is the strongest in this piece, because you're giving the reader an image to work with. You're showing us how you feel, not telling us. I also think that the last verse was strong, for the same reason.

    I think that this piece needs some editing, some of the lines don't follow the rhythm you're using, such as:

    'Is the only answer'

    I think that this could be changed to 'is this our only answer'- not only would that sit better with your rhythm, it would keep the piece personal, which I think is what you're going for.

    I liked this, and I think that with some more imagery and metaphors this could be a good, passionate poem.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      i second that. This is very sad. The protagonist writes with honesty.

    Heres the thing. The rhyming at times sounds almost forced. Rhyming is great and it can add alot to a piece but... it does have teh ability to cheapen it also and make it seem less emotional or sincere than what you are going for.

    So i would say try re-writing this with the idea in mind that your not going for ryhme but just you know little 4-line stanzas like you have. See what comes up on a revise. You might be suprised. It might be better, you might unconciously ryhme words by accident and they really flow well together. More natural.

    ANyway hope that helps.

    Great material though. I enjoyed it.


    Fizz
    | Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice, you poor your heart into this and i like that. Not many people on here take note of that and I think its wrong of them to at least acknowledge that it takes guts and courage to posts pieces like these kudo's

    Jacks
    | Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
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