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What Do I Do


Author: trynfinity
ASL Info:    38/f/California
Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 149 /145 /91
Words: 310
Class/Type: Poetry /Broken
Total Views: 1641
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1845



Description:


What do I do
how do I make you see?
I was lost and I was broken
before you started loving me.


What Do I Do



What do I do
how do I make you see?
I was lost and I was broken
before you started loving me.

Because of you I am better
not perfect in any way.
See I would wake up crying
because I was alive another day.

I don't sit before the mirror
with a knife open in my hand.
Trying to find a reason
to believe in who I am.

So much of that has changed
because of what you say.
Because of the way you saw me
but was the price too high to pay?

I don't make you happy
I haven't for so long.
I am panicked and I am desperate
most often though I'm wrong.

Is the only answer
to say good-bye and walk away?
Is that the right thing for you
so your heart no longer pays?

Knowing that if I'm gone
I don't call or come around.
I'll disappear from your heart forever
lost I won't be found.

So here I am again
broken beyond repair.
You've changed the way you see me
I make it too hard for you to care.

I know you don't believe me
you don't think that I still try.
You think I never want you
do you only think I lie?

When I make an effort
to show you what you mean.
How much I truly want you
the way I want you in my dreams.

I fail to make you see it
make you believe that it is real.
I walk away again the failure
I guess I always will.

So if I really love you
the way it screams inside my soul.
Then answer to this question,
it seems is to walk away and let you go.






Submitted on 2009-07-12 22:49:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  honestly the firs threes stanzas are the truth

"What do I do
how do I make you see?
I was lost and I was broken
before you started loving me.

Because of you I am better
not perfect in any way.
See I would wake up crying
because I was alive another day.

I don't sit before the mirror
with a knife open in my hand.
Trying to find a reason
to believe in who I am. "

See this is what i come here for, i stopped coming for a while but thank you for posting again. u pack so much in little stanzas... and u dont overkill with the rhyme, i tend to do that, i know, but, hey, poly syllabic is my thing, Im kinda a rapper. sometimes just str* rhyme is the best, and you definitely prove that here. and by the way...if i were him, i wouldnt let you go....especially after reading this...
| Posted on 2010-03-10 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
  wow very powerful. i loved this.. i can relate to this feeling in a way.. this is deff a new fav of mine. nice job with writing it. it was very moveing.. keep up the good work



tayla
| Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by SickOfHurting U | [ Reply to This ]
  I think that this piece has a lot of promise, you have a very clear writing style and you're not afraid to put your painful emotions down on paper (or the computer screen, but hey).

I think that this verse:
'I don't sit before the mirror
with a knife open in my hand.
Trying to find a reason
to believe in who I am'
is the strongest in this piece, because you're giving the reader an image to work with. You're showing us how you feel, not telling us. I also think that the last verse was strong, for the same reason.

I think that this piece needs some editing, some of the lines don't follow the rhythm you're using, such as:

'Is the only answer'

I think that this could be changed to 'is this our only answer'- not only would that sit better with your rhythm, it would keep the piece personal, which I think is what you're going for.

I liked this, and I think that with some more imagery and metaphors this could be a good, passionate poem.

Aly
| Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  i second that. This is very sad. The protagonist writes with honesty.

Heres the thing. The rhyming at times sounds almost forced. Rhyming is great and it can add alot to a piece but... it does have teh ability to cheapen it also and make it seem less emotional or sincere than what you are going for.

So i would say try re-writing this with the idea in mind that your not going for ryhme but just you know little 4-line stanzas like you have. See what comes up on a revise. You might be suprised. It might be better, you might unconciously ryhme words by accident and they really flow well together. More natural.

ANyway hope that helps.

Great material though. I enjoyed it.


Fizz
| Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  very nice, you poor your heart into this and i like that. Not many people on here take note of that and I think its wrong of them to at least acknowledge that it takes guts and courage to posts pieces like these kudo's

Jacks
| Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


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