wow very powerful. i loved this.. i can relate to this feeling in a way.. this is deff a new fav of mine. nice job with writing it. it was very moveing.. keep up the good work
I think that this piece has a lot of promise, you have a very clear writing style and you're not afraid to put your painful emotions down on paper (or the computer screen, but hey).
I think that this verse:
'I don't sit before the mirror
with a knife open in my hand.
Trying to find a reason
to believe in who I am'
is the strongest in this piece, because you're giving the reader an image to work with. You're showing us how you feel, not telling us. I also think that the last verse was strong, for the same reason.
I think that this piece needs some editing, some of the lines don't follow the rhythm you're using, such as:
'Is the only answer'
I think that this could be changed to 'is this our only answer'- not only would that sit better with your rhythm, it would keep the piece personal, which I think is what you're going for.
I liked this, and I think that with some more imagery and metaphors this could be a good, passionate poem.
i second that. This is very sad. The protagonist writes with honesty.
Heres the thing. The rhyming at times sounds almost forced. Rhyming is great and it can add alot to a piece but... it does have teh ability to cheapen it also and make it seem less emotional or sincere than what you are going for.
So i would say try re-writing this with the idea in mind that your not going for ryhme but just you know little 4-line stanzas like you have. See what comes up on a revise. You might be suprised. It might be better, you might unconciously ryhme words by accident and they really flow well together. More natural.
very nice, you poor your heart into this and i like that. Not many people on here take note of that and I think its wrong of them to at least acknowledge that it takes guts and courage to posts pieces like these kudo's
Submission Name: What Do I Do
