Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What Do I Dodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: trynfinity
    ASL Info:    38/f/California
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 149/145/91
    Words: 310
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 922
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1845



    Description:
       What do I do
    how do I make you see?
    I was lost and I was broken
    before you started loving me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat Do I Dodots
    -------------------------------------------


    What do I do
    how do I make you see?
    I was lost and I was broken
    before you started loving me.

    Because of you I am better
    not perfect in any way.
    See I would wake up crying
    because I was alive another day.

    I don't sit before the mirror
    with a knife open in my hand.
    Trying to find a reason
    to believe in who I am.

    So much of that has changed
    because of what you say.
    Because of the way you saw me
    but was the price too high to pay?

    I don't make you happy
    I haven't for so long.
    I am panicked and I am desperate
    most often though I'm wrong.

    Is the only answer
    to say good-bye and walk away?
    Is that the right thing for you
    so your heart no longer pays?

    Knowing that if I'm gone
    I don't call or come around.
    I'll disappear from your heart forever
    lost I won't be found.

    So here I am again
    broken beyond repair.
    You've changed the way you see me
    I make it too hard for you to care.

    I know you don't believe me
    you don't think that I still try.
    You think I never want you
    do you only think I lie?

    When I make an effort
    to show you what you mean.
    How much I truly want you
    the way I want you in my dreams.

    I fail to make you see it
    make you believe that it is real.
    I walk away again the failure
    I guess I always will.

    So if I really love you
    the way it screams inside my soul.
    Then answer to this question,
    it seems is to walk away and let you go.






    Submitted on 2009-07-12 22:49:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      honestly the firs threes stanzas are the truth

    "What do I do
    how do I make you see?
    I was lost and I was broken
    before you started loving me.

    Because of you I am better
    not perfect in any way.
    See I would wake up crying
    because I was alive another day.

    I don't sit before the mirror
    with a knife open in my hand.
    Trying to find a reason
    to believe in who I am. "

    See this is what i come here for, i stopped coming for a while but thank you for posting again. u pack so much in little stanzas... and u dont overkill with the rhyme, i tend to do that, i know, but, hey, poly syllabic is my thing, Im kinda a rapper. sometimes just str* rhyme is the best, and you definitely prove that here. and by the way...if i were him, i wouldnt let you go....especially after reading this...
    | Posted on 2010-03-10 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      wow very powerful. i loved this.. i can relate to this feeling in a way.. this is deff a new fav of mine. nice job with writing it. it was very moveing.. keep up the good work



    tayla
    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by SickOfHurting U | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that this piece has a lot of promise, you have a very clear writing style and you're not afraid to put your painful emotions down on paper (or the computer screen, but hey).

    I think that this verse:
    'I don't sit before the mirror
    with a knife open in my hand.
    Trying to find a reason
    to believe in who I am'
    is the strongest in this piece, because you're giving the reader an image to work with. You're showing us how you feel, not telling us. I also think that the last verse was strong, for the same reason.

    I think that this piece needs some editing, some of the lines don't follow the rhythm you're using, such as:

    'Is the only answer'

    I think that this could be changed to 'is this our only answer'- not only would that sit better with your rhythm, it would keep the piece personal, which I think is what you're going for.

    I liked this, and I think that with some more imagery and metaphors this could be a good, passionate poem.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      i second that. This is very sad. The protagonist writes with honesty.

    Heres the thing. The rhyming at times sounds almost forced. Rhyming is great and it can add alot to a piece but... it does have teh ability to cheapen it also and make it seem less emotional or sincere than what you are going for.

    So i would say try re-writing this with the idea in mind that your not going for ryhme but just you know little 4-line stanzas like you have. See what comes up on a revise. You might be suprised. It might be better, you might unconciously ryhme words by accident and they really flow well together. More natural.

    ANyway hope that helps.

    Great material though. I enjoyed it.


    Fizz
    | Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice, you poor your heart into this and i like that. Not many people on here take note of that and I think its wrong of them to at least acknowledge that it takes guts and courage to posts pieces like these kudo's

    Jacks
    | Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    176441

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    The World written by jjd
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by Outlaw
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry