[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Runningdots

    Author: freshcookies
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 63/77/45
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 963


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    A sharp turn, a steep decline,
    And the pavement gives way to dirt.
    Daylight turns startlingly to twilight.
    The thick grey air is strangely tasteless.
    Laying eerily amongst the trees,
    It doesn’t oppose my trespass.
    The thud of wood reminds me that once,
    I spoke my deepest secrets,
    and faced my deepest fear.
    My heart would have stopped
    if it wasn’t racing.
    I inhale horror
    larger strides, quicker steps
    shorter breaths
    but those moments won’t be left behind
    Thoughts of love
    Thoughts of longing
    Thoughts of sui-
    Side cramps
    Deep breaths
    Footfalls crunching on gravel
    Anything but…
    Clear air meets my lips
    And strengthens me to outrun the past
    My feet slam the ground and carry me ever forward
    Refusing my heart’s quiet sobs to turn around.

    Submitted on 2009-07-13 00:04:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I see what you mean with the ending. I took out one line, but to me the last line is almost the most important. I'll have to think about what to do with that part.
    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought the ending was a bit tacked on, perhaps if you cut out that last line it would be better, I mean the reader already knows what your leaving behind you, theres no need to ellaborate futher on what you've already described adequately. Otherwise I thought this was pretty good writing.

    "thoughts of sui-
    Side cramps"

    Everyone will think this is cool, but I reckon the most pleasing thing is you fit it in there whithout sounding gimmicky.

    Anyhows, nice work.

    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]