this morning, facing you by borderlinetears

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Submission Name: this morning, facing you dots

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Author:	borderlinetears
ASL Info:	21/F/KY
Elite Ratio:	4.93 - 1803/1566/138
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	104
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	493

Description:
Wrote a version of the first stanza back in April. Wrote the rest of it tonight in 15 minutes. And, I actually like this. :)

this morning, facing you dots

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I woke this morning, facing you, in the space
between your chin and chest.

You were still asleep; your body rising and
falling steadily with breath.

Your arm across my hip, your fingertips
grazed the small of my back.

Late morning light danced on my yellow walls,
brighter than usual. I studied

the stubble upon your neck and the tattoo on
your shoulder, wishing to trace the details.

Submitted on 2009-07-13 01:04:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I liked the ending. Don't think it's holding its breath or it's unfinished. But I definitely stumbled over the broken up sentence. I don't think it works to break up the sentence in the end and distribute it over two stanzas. But I'm also unsure what to do with it. You could make a last stanza with 3 lines which isn't the best solution, but the best I came up with now. Otherwise it's a really beautiful love poem. I enjoyed reading it.
| Posted on 2009-08-15 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
  You'll in love with someone special, your emotions are spoken in this poem, very beautiful, you feel like a breath of fresh air seeing this person as you write this poem, very well written. Chris
| Posted on 2009-08-10 00:00:00 | by JoJoCrab | [ Reply to This ]
  Hon, I have to agree with Draumrkopa. This is beautiful but I'm really conflicted right now.

The poem itself feels like a quiet hunt. And you deliver that quite well. The minimalism really gives space for the undertones to shine. But the words appear to be carefully chosen so I doubt that people can accuse you of being lazy.

On the other hand, the ending seems to be holding its breath. Either that or you were about to speak but somebody knocked the words right back. But then again, that also adds to the piece. The quietness is a good instrument here because it's either that or you go all out and that would mean you'd have to revamp the whole thing. But I like it already.

Oh... stress.

Anyway... I'd love to know what you plan for this.
| Posted on 2009-07-14 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this as well. Though, to be quite honest, it feels -unfinished-. Let me know if you edit or anything, and keep up the great work! Peace and inspiration!

Duv
| Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]

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