No, but seriously, this is so sweet and you clearly get your message across with every word etched carefully with care and sewn together thoughtfully whilst chewing on something strawberry flavoured, sitting out on the veranda, watching the sun set as the world goes by, but all you think about is him... The clock chimes, but all you hear is his voice ringing through your head. Absent mindedly, you get up and find yourself looking back into his gaze, and that is your world.
^sorry if that makes no sense. Um, yeah. I apologise if I come off as weird. >.>
You are very lucky if this is something you experience. I know I never will.
Thanks for sharing, I just couldn't resist a comment and about 80% of this is irrelevant...
I love the mornings I wake up and my gf and son are sleeping silently next to me. I just want to wrap my arms around them both and squeeze them until they flush. Other times, I just watch them. And if I think too hard, sometimes I'll laugh, and sometimes I'll cry, and sometimes I'll just look at the ceiling for whatever reasons and say 'Thank you'. Then of course, the rest of my day sucks.
I enjoyed this but would have enjoyed it more as a freeverse, without the meter. But you know me, same ol same ol MyX.
and then theres the moment where you want to wake him up... when you cannot stand to be apart from him a second longer even though youre right beside him and his arms are completely around you...
i wish i could have such moments but theres something about being on the other side of the world that stops such things from occuring but some time soon i will be able to wake to this every morning and i cannot wait..
this is a beautiful piece beth. i love the tenderness of it. the tracing of the outlines or longing to do so. there is such early morning honesty in this piece... i dont know about you but im incapable of anything but the truth before im fully awake...
you seem to have chosen every word purposely and perfectly. i dont think i could have such control of words... youve done incredibly beautiful girl
I liked the ending. Don't think it's holding its breath or it's unfinished. But I definitely stumbled over the broken up sentence. I don't think it works to break up the sentence in the end and distribute it over two stanzas. But I'm also unsure what to do with it. You could make a last stanza with 3 lines which isn't the best solution, but the best I came up with now. Otherwise it's a really beautiful love poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Hon, I have to agree with Draumrkopa. This is beautiful but I'm really conflicted right now.
The poem itself feels like a quiet hunt. And you deliver that quite well. The minimalism really gives space for the undertones to shine. But the words appear to be carefully chosen so I doubt that people can accuse you of being lazy.
On the other hand, the ending seems to be holding its breath. Either that or you were about to speak but somebody knocked the words right back. But then again, that also adds to the piece. The quietness is a good instrument here because it's either that or you go all out and that would mean you'd have to revamp the whole thing. But I like it already.
Anyway... I'd love to know what you plan for this.