Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Prologuedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: coloredstone
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 99/60/37
    Words: 537
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 614
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 3141



    Description:
       Aaron Bolt and the Fat Chance, or whatever the appropriate title would be...this is the prologue for it, my mystery...I still haven't finished that other story i was writing and don't really think i will this one right now either! but anyway, hsven't put something up for a while so i'll just leave it here...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsProloguedots
    -------------------------------------------



    Aaron slammed the newspaper onto the table and leaned back in his chair. Leaned back, with a little too much enthusiasm, for his chair toppled and crashed against the wall behind him.
    Enthusiasm wasn’t nearly the right word. Aaron was bored, desperately bored. And, twenty-five years old with all the Bolt elements, he was full of energy, energy that had nowhere to go at the moment. A lovely Saturday morning, Aunt Irene would say. Aaron, however, found weekends the most dreadful two days of the week.
    Now he had leveled his chair and sat, slightly shaken by the unexpected fall. This subsided quickly, however, as things did with Aaron. He leaned over the newspaper and scanned the front cover again.
    A black and white photograph showed a picture of a school office, with a grinning teacher standing by the principal’s desk. Next to him stood a stiffer, younger man, clad in navy blue uniform, a policeman. Aaron observed him closely. Even in black and white, he seemed handsome enough. His features were even; his dark hair eyes making his face appear to glow.
    Aaron smiled. Aunt Irene would surely reprimand him. She would say he was being vain. He turned to look at the teacher standing next to him in the photograph and recalled why it was that he had been called to the school at all.
    The principal’s office had been broken into, and it appeared that several important documents had been stolen. The police had been notified immediately, and of course Inspector Bolt had men at the ready. He had been waiting for something like this to happen since he had been appointed to the position. Sadly, that was a whole (number) of years.
    Not sadly, Aaron rebuked himself. It was a good thing that the people of Hazelville were so, well, good. But it definitely was not the place in need for any detective. Aaron often dreamed of relocating himself to New York, where there would be plenty of opportunity for him to exercise his mind. The only reason he was still here was because of his mother…
    Aaron snapped out of his thoughts, as he so often did when they went down the street marked mother. His mind, as though it could not possibly live blank, searched for another subject for thought, and Aaron focused again on the newspaper lying in front of him.
    It was the most exciting thing that had happened, ever. Aaron remembered the thrill that beat in him as he drove to the school. He had walked into the office, but, his detective self, the part of him that could find answers, was telling him already that there was no problem at all.
    No, he argued. Secretly, Aaron wished that it was something, some kind of mystery, some kind of adventure. Childish as those thoughts were, he couldn’t help feel that way sometimes. And it was something after all, Aaron thought; A tasteless joke. Bitterly, Aaron read the caption under the picture.
    “Mr. Dock plays April’s Fools Trick on Inspector Bolt. Controversy arises on the banning of April Fools traditions.”
    That, wondered Aaron, was the sort of thing that made cover page for the Hazelville Journal.




    Submitted on 2009-07-13 12:18:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You need a better beganning. Its important to have a beganning that captures the reader. Sure its interesting to see a person fall down in a chair, but there are far more intersting things to read. Most people judge weather or not they are going to read a story, by the beganning. If this was a book on a shelf, I would have put it back, missing the wonderful oppertunity, to really see how good it was. So its important to have a capturing beganning so that people will be able to keep reading and be interested enough to get into the true story.
    thats about all you really need to fix. The rest is good. You have potentual. Just, make it, eye captioning.
    keep it up
    | Posted on 2009-07-24 00:00:00 | by grimmreaper | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it could use some work, but other than the formalities i think the story is great!
    I love the way you explained everything, very briefly yet i could imagine the whole thing.
    but alexboy was a little right about the end... it wasnt very clear.

    Great Job!

    Fana
    | Posted on 2009-07-16 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      I probably shouldn't be leaving a comment on this, as I know nothing about writing stories.

    However, I've taken the time to read it, so I will, but feel free not to take my comments too seriously.

    I thought there was potential here, but it seemed to be quite rough around the edges.

    I thought there was a lot of "bad English" ("not sadly", etc.) and at least one mixed metaphor (a "thrill" beating??)

    Also you didn't space the work out using proper paragraphs, which makes things difficult for the reader.

    I felt the piece rambled and wasn't clear. Were you saying that the policeman had been called out to an "incident" that turned out to be a trick? I wasn't quite sure...

    Anyway, those are my thoughts! :)
    | Posted on 2009-07-13 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    176456

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    The World written by jjd
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry