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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perspiringdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 533
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 523



    Description:
       summer heat wave swept across the city


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerspiringdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The heat wave rocked, riveting
    pivots too dizzy to survive
    upon the sweating streets.

    Sun crushed the timid vices
    of dance or love or insipidity,
    and gave the birth anew
    in marvelous
    guttural
    pains
    to discontentment:

    Enclosed, enticed,
    a dicing

    upon a wall of noise
    with harpies on the loose -

    Them smudged the greasy fingers
    into premonition
    of our eager mouths.




    Submitted on 2009-07-16 14:18:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm loving this rich language in your poetry. I liked the style of a couple of your poems so I thought I'd check out your featured one. Firstly, I really like the subtle use of rhyme you've employed here! It makes it a whole lot of fun to read: 'riveting /pivots', 'timid...insipidity', 'enticed, /a dicing' are just some of my favourites. This also gives colour to the assonance and alliteration throughout.

    I think the 'dance or love or insipidity' that you allude to could be accentuated a little more in the first part of the poem to make the contrast in the second part harsher. I like how the language as the poem progresses graduates from having aspects of playfulness to the drudgery of existing in the instance of a heat wave. You could change 'crushed' to something a bit softer to complement this, although you've got the assonance there and the play on words with 'vice', which makes it interesting.

    Harpies is a nice nasty word to use to indicate the reaction of the people. I'm unsure about the use of 'Enclosed, enticed' as the former gives a trapped feeling that people most probably felt on the day but the latter has positive connotations. Unless it refers to the sick enjoyment the sun may take in terrorizing the people below him, I find it a little ambiguous. Also I'm unsure about how to read the last strophe. Is 'Them' meant to be 'Then'?

    I hoped that helped at least somewhat. The positives are the richness of language and the playfulness of sounds, which are evident in your other poems. I also liked the graduation from more or less so playful language to harsher language.
    | Posted on 2009-10-30 00:00:00 | by Camo Star | [ Reply to This ]


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