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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Storm of Stormsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeathTone
    ASL Info:    32 / Male / United States
    Elite Ratio:    5.54 - 81/55/30
    Words: 292
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 507
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1643



    Description:
       Iwrote this because i was bored


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Storm of Stormsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In this day and age there is a price to pay
    for every deed done day to day
    Falling from grace is the norm
    and sorrow comes at you like a fierce storm
    Blowing in your face your heart begins to race
    beating so fast you cant keep pace
    Darkness overwhelms you and to your knees you fall
    hopeing to hear the saving call
    Shelter is what you seek to keep from getting wet
    you soon belive your future is set
    All you can do is sit under those dark clouds and cry
    hopeing and preying to die
    Your sanity begins to turn to madness as you begin to accept your fate
    And you understand the true meaning of the word hate
    This is how you were brought up to feel
    other than these feelings nothing is real
    How can you escape what is to come
    when will it be done, what have I done
    All alone in my room I lock the door
    trying to keep the storm from entering again
    Drop to the floor
    I cant take the pain
    my innocense has been drained
    my sanity slained
    Hide the scars I do
    so I can walk like the norms do
    The wheather forcast is never correct at least not for me
    I died in my bed alone
    This was the way for me to be happy
    now I can truly go home
    The lightning will never strike me again and I will not cry like the thunder does in a storm
    Finally the storm has gone and I am free to be free and freely be me
    never again to morn
    I now feel no more
    my emotions washed ashore
    Never happy to cry, Always happy to die




    Submitted on 2009-07-16 21:06:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very stormy indeed. Work on the spelling of the word you intend to use such as the difference between Prey and Pray. Of course some people might actually use them interchangably.
    | Posted on 2009-07-17 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      hopeing to hear the saving call

    hoping [doesnt need the e]


    you soon belive your future is set

    believe
    [i would think about rearranging the line a little and have it read 'soon you believe...' it seems to feel less clanky that way..]


    hopeing and preying to die

    hoping praying


    The wheather forcast is never correct at least not for me

    weather




    maybe you ought to make friends with the spell check

    anyways... i worry if this is what you write about when youre bored. i worry because if you can write about death and dying when you are bored i wonder what you write about on a bad day when nothing is working out very well and youre completely over everything.

    a couple of things to think about:

    line breaks
    you could do more with this piece and quite possibly polish it into a less angst ridden tribute if you thought about where you broke your lines and possibly even stanzas.
    that way you could say more in less space and make your point more crisp though im not sure there is much room to expand on the idea that death would make you happier.

    good luck
    | Posted on 2009-07-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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