Darkness by XemosoraX

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Submission Name: Darkness dots

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Author:	XemosoraX
ASL Info:	15/male/Ohio
Elite Ratio:	3.18 - 11/11/5
Words:	76

Class/Type:	Misc/Depressed
Total Views:	47
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	579

Description:
I was kind of depressed one night and just started to write this. Yet again this is one of my amateurish attempts at creating a well written poem...that being said I still will except critiques.
Thanks hope you all enjoy.

Darkness dots

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Darkness is infinate,
Darkness never ends.

Darkness is mysterious,
Darkness never bends.

Darkness is here,
and Darkness is there.

But without Darkness,
the world could never bear.

For the world needs balance,
and the dark is part of one half.

And without Darkness,
would the world have a different path?

I've journeyed far and wide,
but couldn't find a sign.

So to understand it better,
I made Darkness mine.

Submitted on 2009-07-17 08:47:52 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I think I like this one more. It still has the rhyming in it, but it seems as if this one just flows together. I think you need more emotion behind you're words. You're telling how you feel, but i don't feel the emotion behind it. try to make the reader feel depressed just by reading it. The only thing I can really say for you to change is "differant". It's spelled different. A lot of people that read others poems and try to help pay attention to spelling and grammer.

~*~katara~*~
| Posted on 2009-07-22 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm...Sounds good.
Sometimes, the natural rhythm went off course, and it got a bit muddled up at the end, even though it seemed to hold together alright.

Theme- good. I like what you are trying to get across, yet, it did not fully get across properly. Sometimes, more lines in a stanza helps, or using different words twist the poem back on track.

In all, good for a start. You'll get better soon, and your poems don't always have to rhyme. It makes it more fun when they do, but it makes it seem more serious when it doesn't, so try and pick out things that might help, and try and understand the pattern of your poem better.

In all, 7/10 :)
| Posted on 2009-07-17 00:00:00 | by newcancer | [ Reply to This ]
  Alright. Although I like the overal feeling of this, there's a couple things that I found a little off.

Darkness is here,
and Darkness is there.

When you added the and infront of this is threw off the rhythem that you were developing at the beginning to me.

For the world needs balance,
and the dark is part of one half.

And without Darkness,
would the world have a differant path

In these two lines, it seems that the second line is significantly longer. As in, the, oh what's the word. There's more beats to it than the other ones and it puts stress on the poem.

I've journeyed far and wide,
but couldn't find a sign.

So to understand it better,
I made Darkness mine

You changed your rhyming pattern right at the end by rhyming wide with sign. I know they don't completely rhyme with eachother, but they do enough so that it's noticeable.

I like your theme, you just need to work on some of the details. =]

Stay classy.
-Boomer

| Posted on 2009-07-17 00:00:00 | by giver_of_death | [ Reply to This ]

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