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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Swallowing Stonesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Hecate
    Elite Ratio:    5.01 - 28/30/14
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 1664
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 778



    Description:
       And what does this say about me?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSwallowing Stonesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The three of us, wild, gleaming,
    self-proclaimed poets,
    picking at our scabs, bloody
    on the inside.

    There was nothing uglier than the need, need, need
    which can only be expressed in wordless syllables,
    in a glance, in locking yourself away
    in your room, in actions that speak louder.
    Oh, the times we had, when we were innocent.

    You never finished being hungry.
    Like the snake that ate the universe,
    you swallowed everything whole and spat out
    what you didn't like.
    You bit into the world even when you knew
    it would bite back.

    As for me
    all I asked was to be a vessel
    to something beautiful.
    I never wanted to be wanted.




    Submitted on 2009-07-18 11:07:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      very cool piece....poets may not want to be needed...too much pressure...just let me do what i do when i want to do it...

    under pressure the pen chokes on the words..

    i don't want the responsibility of being a voice for our generation.. we just want to write out our own griefs and protests...

    i really like the last stanza...perhaps a "for" instead of "to"

    i agree with aly there..but really good piece.

    rubie was right in suggesting i find your page.

    will read more

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-11 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I never wanted to be wanted
    by soup nazis and Ukranian agents
    but the evils of my secret
    ingredients was soon found out...

    :)
    | Posted on 2010-08-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Great write, Jase!
    | Posted on 2010-01-05 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is harking back to youth? The surety of youth, the confidence.
    'Picking at scabs' makes me think of you three living the intense poet stereotype, like that's the only way to be a poet.

    I didn't find the second stanza vague, I think it followed on nicely from the first. It described this state of picking at scabs more. Made me think how creating your own wounds and sharing them is one thing, but the honesty needed to show your actual need, your ugly need, wasn't there. It was well worded. The repetition of 'need' drummed it in, made it feel ugly, too.

    The switch from three people to 'you' felt alright when I first read this, but then after reading the comments and rereading the poem, I did get a little lost. I think you're talking to all three of you from the beginning? That was how I read it, anyhow.

    The ending was good. I like that you further distance yourself from your past self and those two others, like all that picking at scabs and swallowing universes wasn't ever your thing. And now you are true to yourself, if that makes sense. You want to create beautiful poetry, and you don't mind all that much if your work is...wanted? I'm getting tangled up in all these selves! I hope this does make sense to you...

    An overall assessment? I liked it, I read it a while ago and it stayed with me.
    It's controlled writing, thought-out writing. It shows a care for poetry, generally. It's emotional without feeling like a slap, or an angst-vomit. I think you've done a really good job. Gentle nostalgia! is the phrase I'm looking for.

    One nitpick would be in the last stanza:
    'all I asked was to be a vessel
    for something beautiful.
    I never wanted to be wanted'

    I think it makes more sense with that 'for'.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      firstly... i love the sandwich comment above (or below). cool that.

    pssh. i don't know how to give an overall assessment. i am not good at that sort of thing. but when i read this the other day, there was something i just liked about it. enough to come back for another look see.

    probably the only thing confusing to me is it goes from three, to you, to me. is you the other two? or one specific person? if it is one specific person, what happened to the other?

    the title makes this a heavier piece. one perhaps about how innocence doesn't last. unfortunately. everything has a way of changing. sometimes for the better. sometimes for the worse. though this seems sort of a personal write. it isn't too cryptic for a reader to at least get a feel for it. there is something here. i can't quite put my finger on it. but i like it just the same.
    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeez!
    Couldn't find a little more vague comment preference, could you?

    So, overall (grumblegrumble), I really like this poem. No, seriously. Well, now that that's over with, I can do specific commentary, yay! Begin sandwich!

    Good thing (delicious french bread): I really like it when people mention poets/poetry in poetry. It just makes me happy. So, thumbs up.

    Thing-that-could-be-improved (salami): Lines 5-8 were difficult to understand. Now, I know that sometimes poetry can be vague, but this had me backtracking to reread and make sense of what was going on. Maybe having commas coincide with line breaks would make it easier to understand. Then again, maybe it's just me. Whatever. Continuing...

    Good thing (cheese, not American): That last line was beautiful, especially with the repetition. It was a great finish to the poem, and made it one of my favorites (and not just as in the ES thingy).

    Thing-that-could-be-improved (kale): Um, I can't think of anything. Just as well. I really don't like kale.

    Good thing (more french bread): It wasn't too long. I have a problem finishing up poems at a decent places. Instead, I ramble on and on. You, however finished up neatly and with an aforementionedly good line.

    Final good thing (plate): Hecate wrote another poem! Yay! I would have thought you were dead, if, well, I hadn't seen you yesterday. Anyway, yay!

    -- WhatYouWill

    P.S. No offense to all you people who like kale and salami. Or to you people who dislike french bread, cheese, and, um, plates.
    | Posted on 2009-07-18 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    176633

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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