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Fragile sentiments can’t survive
From empty inner orbit
To the heavy atmosphere
But I tried to get you to understand.
turned to paper
When I tried to say,
I love you.
You promised me
You’d never feel this way,
As long as I could agree
I never was good at promises,
You’ve never been adept at lies,
Is it any wonder then,
That I love
| what ...is keestu...talking about...i understood it...there was emotion....since when does a poem have to rhyme....lol....there is a flow...which allows it to not have rhyme...its not pale its colorful....since when should you put a huge description describing every aspect of your words....if keestu really took the time to read this piece maybe they would of gotten something from it....ranting aside sorry...just drives me nuts comments like that...some people think there are certian guidlines that must be followed or its not a poem...crap....|
i love the first few lines...i love the use of atmospheres between people...i've actually used that in a few of my pieces...i know people go on about be original...blah blah...but...it can be used more than once but in a diffrent way which to me you.ve made it your own...anywho..
i also love the stanza where you've wrtitten" my words turn to paper when i tried to say i love you..."a great way to express being afraid of saying those words aloud...but how easily it is to write a note ...or to be able to express it in a poem....
but anywho...i enjoyed this piece...it flowed well...and i wouldnt change anything..purps
|| Posted on 2009-07-19 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ] || First impressions: not too big, not explanatory, too short|
and looks like it is written for the sake of writing.
1. I would not call the above as a poem. It's rather a pack of words.
2. Even though there is no rhyme there is a solid flow which is present.
3. Needs some oomph...or power in the poem. Rather dull and pale.
4. It does not bring any emotion into the picture. Rather its a pale poem. Try making it a bit more emotional.
5. If its really love then make the reader also know that it is. Have a description so that the context is well explanatory.
|| Posted on 2009-07-19 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ] |