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    dots Submission Name: cartographydots

    Author: meoww
    Elite Ratio:    6.75 - 262/258/143
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1497
    Average Vote:    4.7500
    Bytes: 1308


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    and if it were that easy
    i'd give you a postcard scrawled with indian ink
    which says everything needed to be known
    in a heartbeat washed in cyan and magenta
    and a dab of sunflower
    the colour of home
    and well-wishes before confetti is thrown
    off one of those sparkling ocean liners
    destined for some hard to pronounce grecian port
    "where are you now? between days spent fishing
    and diving in the seychelles
    comfortably unaware
    of the thousands displaced
    by the latest numbing
    where are we now is a fitting entry to a novel
    you say i'm meant to write describing moments of insanity
    and devotion and happiness found in some future world
    where owning all five senses would be a gift and not a promise
    where not everything would be divided into three square meals
    of clasped hands offering prayers
    to the unknown yet slightly believable notion
    that is god in whatever form your mind and origin dictates
    to be the history of you and your family
    caught between faith and the obvious
    between premonitions and the avoidable
    of home.

    Submitted on 2009-07-19 04:18:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Weirdly, this is one of the rare poems where you've lumped every sentence together without playing with fonts/visuals.

    Makes for hard reading.
    | Posted on 2009-11-29 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting, love the title, btw. I love the line break between 'sunflower' and 'yellow'...it works as a beautiful transistion, but I'm not too sure if the break between 'numbing' and 'headlines' does. Same goes for the end break of 'logic' and 'of home'...could just tack logic on to the previous line to make the last a bit more punchy. Obviously line breaks are a very personal choice, but for some reason that one just didn't seem to fit.

    Also, I would suggest switching the placement of two words in order to not neccesarily repeat yourself and to keep the phrasing ifresh and interesting: "where [we are] now is a fitting entry to a novel " Anyhow, keep pushing forward, very interesting read!
    | Posted on 2009-08-17 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi.. without overstating you have written so much into this poem that it leads a person to think on details otherwise ignored.... does that make sense... altogether a truly remarkable piece of writing....
    | Posted on 2009-07-30 00:00:00 | by col13x | [ Reply to This ]
      I always read your pieces aloud. It makes it more vivid. Sometimes I wish you would use punctuation, to give me some hints as to where to pause but that is just my preference. Usually it is evident by your spacing, though.

    Somethings that threw me off were the "and" at the beginning. Its like there should be words before it, like we came in halfway through the sentence.

    L3-L5 I felt needed another line break. When reading out loud it sounded like the colors were in a heart beat and that a heart beat was being washed. I dont know how to explain really, just the beat was off.

    In L15 and L16 why the break? You left "numbing" way out there and the previous line kinda dwindled as if doing a "....."

    L24 "that is god in whatever form your mind and origin dictates"

    This was a tongue stopper. what about "that god is in whatever form your mind and origin dictates"?

    You seriously amaze me. I'm always blown away. You accomplish putting the most complex thoughts and images down onto paper and make them come out right, come out understandable and make me think. I would believe it if this piece came from a small thing as a piece of paper with a drawing on it or just a postcard. I like how you wrap the beginning with the end.

    I agree with the color yellow being a familar hue for "home" (my kitchen is yellow because my grandmother's was and that is where I spend most of my childhood). The beginning came off as the metaphor of the start of the first line in the picture and then the middle, where you make us think about the outside world while living ours, is the swirl and the chaos. Everything that is included in the small meaning of our life is at the end, an honest truth of how faith pulls us like a dog on a lease, yet fate is the choker. I think those are my favorite lines:

    "of clasped hands offering prayers
    to the unknown yet slightly believable notion
    that is god in whatever form your mind and origin dictates
    to be the history of you and your family
    caught between faith and the obvious
    between premonitions and the avoidable
    of home."

    but I'm a huge agnostist so that fits the bill.

    I really think you should just take all your writings and put them together for me. Print. And send. I'll pay.


    | Posted on 2009-07-24 00:00:00 | by underthebridge | [ Reply to This ]
    So I found this old notebook of mine. It must've been after the first time I stopped using, because a lot of the writing is centered around Adrian-frustrations and group therapy. I even did writing therapy as rehabilitation and I swear this has a point:

    It's interesting to read, not necessarily by content, but the style, how unmeasured and momentary it is. I get the same attributes from this poem -- though obviously this is better written and not some junky. This is something you would unexpectedly find in the margins and be absolutely captivated by, as I am. Part thought, part memory, things decided and longed for, naivete. I also like how the varying line lengths and styling free you up. It comes across as an immediate and honest betrayal.

    It's lovely. Whereas this comment sorta...sucks.
    | Posted on 2009-07-22 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      I am on to you dude!
    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your style of writing. It's ...quick-flowing...and least in my mind. And, the rthym(that I apparently can't spell, and am too lazy to look up) is ...deeply intense as grey_girl said. I like the first bit about the post card, though I'm not entirely sure I understand it.

    The picture I get from this is of a family member leaving home to journey somewhere. For some reason, I get the impression it's a dangerous place. Perhaps the war? Anyways, the person at home wants them home and wonders about what they're doing. Hoping that they're doing well, wishing they could bring them home.

    I probably got it all wrong, but, hey, that's just how my mind took it. My tired mind. *laughs*

    <3 Sweets
    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      I really think this is deeply intense.... a sense of home while all crumbles around. I love the colors, being a recent bad painter, I appreciate the tones you added. I think it's quite wonderful.
    | Posted on 2009-07-19 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]

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