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    dots Submission Name: true valuedots

    Author: joezwells
    Elite Ratio:    3.81 - 64/78/54
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 679
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900


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    dotstrue valuedots

    days dissapear without any notice
    people wonder without any motive
    time escapes as the clock frantically ticks
    like the melting of a candle from the lit wick

    people forget that time is precious
    as they scurry around cleaning up there messes
    quickly remembering time is of the essence
    ending there days with unhealthy obsessions

    how easily its forgotten that life is a gift
    when it turns sour they get in a tif
    believing its horrible and rather be at the end
    thats when its realized the value of a friend

    sitting on the phone venting about there day
    coming to the conclusion that its okay when it doesnt go there way
    realizing ending it is to big of a price to pay
    leaning on everyword a true friend has to say
    thats the moment they have been anticipating all day

    Submitted on 2009-07-20 21:18:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First off, I wanted to say that I really like the theme behind the piece. You see a lot of negativity and despair in writing, and I always find it to be a breath of fresh air when someone looks in a brighter light.

    The rhyme scheme is good, but occasionally you reach a little bit, with messes and precious, essence and obssesions being a couple examples. While they sound similar, they don't quite rhyme perfectly, which is a shame because some of your rhymes work extremely well. I especially liked the last stanza, which you let fly with the words and it flows almost like a free-style.

    In terms of grammer and such, occasionally there is a mistake, such as there instead of their, but they are very small and easily fixed. Also, the lack of any kind of puncuation or capitalization is interesting. Is it to symbolize the rush of getting through life? Perhaps.

    So, even though it's a lil' rough around the edges, it's definitely a solid piece.

    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]

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