true value -------------------------------------------
days dissapear without any notice
people wonder without any motive
time escapes as the clock frantically ticks
like the melting of a candle from the lit wick
people forget that time is precious
as they scurry around cleaning up there messes
quickly remembering time is of the essence
ending there days with unhealthy obsessions
how easily its forgotten that life is a gift
when it turns sour they get in a tif
believing its horrible and rather be at the end
thats when its realized the value of a friend
sitting on the phone venting about there day
coming to the conclusion that its okay when it doesnt go there way
realizing ending it is to big of a price to pay
leaning on everyword a true friend has to say
thats the moment they have been anticipating all day
First off, I wanted to say that I really like the theme behind the piece. You see a lot of negativity and despair in writing, and I always find it to be a breath of fresh air when someone looks in a brighter light.
The rhyme scheme is good, but occasionally you reach a little bit, with messes and precious, essence and obssesions being a couple examples. While they sound similar, they don't quite rhyme perfectly, which is a shame because some of your rhymes work extremely well. I especially liked the last stanza, which you let fly with the words and it flows almost like a free-style.
In terms of grammer and such, occasionally there is a mistake, such as there instead of their, but they are very small and easily fixed. Also, the lack of any kind of puncuation or capitalization is interesting. Is it to symbolize the rush of getting through life? Perhaps.
So, even though it's a lil' rough around the edges, it's definitely a solid piece.
Submission Name: true value
