true value
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Description:
true value
days dissapear without any notice people wonder without any motive time escapes as the clock frantically ticks like the melting of a candle from the lit wick people forget that time is precious as they scurry around cleaning up there messes quickly remembering time is of the essence ending there days with unhealthy obsessions how easily its forgotten that life is a gift when it turns sour they get in a tif believing its horrible and rather be at the end thats when its realized the value of a friend sitting on the phone venting about there day coming to the conclusion that its okay when it doesnt go there way realizing ending it is to big of a price to pay leaning on everyword a true friend has to say thats the moment they have been anticipating all day |
Submitted on 2009-07-20 21:18:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| First off, I wanted to say that I really like the theme behind the piece. You see a lot of negativity and despair in writing, and I always find it to be a breath of fresh air when someone looks in a brighter light. The rhyme scheme is good, but occasionally you reach a little bit, with messes and precious, essence and obssesions being a couple examples. While they sound similar, they don't quite rhyme perfectly, which is a shame because some of your rhymes work extremely well. I especially liked the last stanza, which you let fly with the words and it flows almost like a free-style. In terms of grammer and such, occasionally there is a mistake, such as there instead of their, but they are very small and easily fixed. Also, the lack of any kind of puncuation or capitalization is interesting. Is it to symbolize the rush of getting through life? Perhaps. So, even though it's a lil' rough around the edges, it's definitely a solid piece. Snake | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ] | |
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