Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: shattered.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silent_death12
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739/805/135
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 865
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 553



    Description:
       a lot shorter than usual. not really about me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsshattered.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    tear stains on the paper,
    blood stains in my veins
    still have all the pieces-
    will they be whole again?

    trust still violated,
    time after time
    repetitious sickness
    innocence was a crime.

    Not what I expected,
    Not what I'd hoped to find,
    wasted my belief in you..
    innocence was blind.

    shadows eclipse my soul again,
    fingerprints scar all my bones;
    happiness fading so quickly again,
    surrounded but feeling alone.




    Submitted on 2009-07-20 21:20:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's a good piece, and like everyone else said very dark. The first stanza is almost hopeful with the last line, but you just stamp it out...

    But OMG. The line about innocence being blind is my favorite, very profound.


    Carrie
    | Posted on 2009-07-24 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
      You know the good thing bout short poems?...When done right, they can be very powerful, just like this. You say it just as it is, without dragging it out and trying to shed light on the encompassing darkness. Not surprisingly, I really like this piece i must've read it 5x already. This is dark without being bleek, and beautiful, laced with thorns like a rose. Blessed be my Dark Angel!
    | Posted on 2009-07-22 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      Very simplistic, very dark. You leave very little room for any kind of hope in the piece, and in a way, that's a good thing. If you left the poem on an optimistic or even ambiguous note, it would probably lose that dark edge. By staying true the entire way through, it makes the piece stronger.

    The rhyme scheme is very present and well-done, the words matching up just right. However, some of the imagery is clichéd, but sometime cliché brings more meaning to the piece. People recognize it and know what kind of poem it is, which makes it stronger. Just don't rely too much on it; I see enough originality in the piece to hope you won't.

    Simple, short and to the point. Well done.

    Snake


    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
      *shudders*


    That's a dark little piece.


    It's short and to the point. You don't seem to take on some poem's habit of liking the sound of their own voice. Like me. I tend to drone on and on. xD You mayn't have noticed yet, but it's true!


    You know what I think adds to poems like these? To not say I or my. I think it's cool when it's all airy and undefined, y'know? That's probably just me though.
    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    176691

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The World written by jjd
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry