shattered. by silent

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Submission Name: shattered. dots

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Author:	silent_death12
Elite Ratio:	7.94 - 1739/805/135
Words:	82

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	106
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	553

Description:
a lot shorter than usual. not really about me.

shattered. dots

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tear stains on the paper,
blood stains in my veins
still have all the pieces-
will they be whole again?

trust still violated,
time after time
repetitious sickness
innocence was a crime.

Not what I expected,
Not what I'd hoped to find,
wasted my belief in you..
innocence was blind.

shadows eclipse my soul again,
fingerprints scar all my bones;
happiness fading so quickly again,
surrounded but feeling alone.

Submitted on 2009-07-20 21:20:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  It's a good piece, and like everyone else said very dark. The first stanza is almost hopeful with the last line, but you just stamp it out...

But OMG. The line about innocence being blind is my favorite, very profound.

Carrie
| Posted on 2009-07-24 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
  You know the good thing bout short poems?...When done right, they can be very powerful, just like this. You say it just as it is, without dragging it out and trying to shed light on the encompassing darkness. Not surprisingly, I really like this piece i must've read it 5x already. This is dark without being bleek, and beautiful, laced with thorns like a rose. Blessed be my Dark Angel!
| Posted on 2009-07-22 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
  Very simplistic, very dark. You leave very little room for any kind of hope in the piece, and in a way, that's a good thing. If you left the poem on an optimistic or even ambiguous note, it would probably lose that dark edge. By staying true the entire way through, it makes the piece stronger.

The rhyme scheme is very present and well-done, the words matching up just right. However, some of the imagery is clichéd, but sometime cliché brings more meaning to the piece. People recognize it and know what kind of poem it is, which makes it stronger. Just don't rely too much on it; I see enough originality in the piece to hope you won't.

Simple, short and to the point. Well done.

Snake

| Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
  *shudders*

That's a dark little piece.

It's short and to the point. You don't seem to take on some poem's habit of liking the sound of their own voice. Like me. I tend to drone on and on. xD You mayn't have noticed yet, but it's true!

You know what I think adds to poems like these? To not say I or my. I think it's cool when it's all airy and undefined, y'know? That's probably just me though.
| Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]

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