Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Our Paradisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1074



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOur Paradisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I can't touch you anymore
    Like the sky to the sea
    With no horizon in view
    Or land all around
    Someone else kissing you

    However there is a place
    I sometimes go and I see
    It's like it was before
    Elated is the word
    All treasures adored

    There is no sky there
    Up and down are the same
    It's entwined with the sea
    Cradled and indescribable
    Where I'd like to be

    And the land floats in the nothing
    And it watches, envious eyes
    The water is fulfilled here
    And it flows endlessly
    With a sky that it holds dear

    If one were to sit on that land
    And look down like wise
    At the sea and the sky
    Watch the ocean's breeze
    They'd no doubt in their mind

    It's a perfect match, you and I
    And here it doesn't have to end
    Never sorrow you're never missed
    All is right except one thing
    This place will never exist




    Submitted on 2009-07-22 05:04:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, that was beautiful. The first stanza kind of leads the rest of the poem and keeps it together. The way you phrased it told whats going on with you two, but still fits in with the rest of the poem. The imagery in the poem was really good, i liked it. It's hard to describe an emotion like that, it's so bittersweet. I think you did a very good job on this poem. I couldn't really think of anything that would need correcting.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2009-07-22 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    176741

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    written by Daniel Barlow
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Push written by JanePlane
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry