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The sea tasted me today
As if I were a delicacy to be devoured whole
I saw the blue green tongue rolling towards me
White capped with the salivation of the hunt.
At first it merely lapped and pulled the sand from around my feet
And then the blue green tongue took hold and pulled them out from under me
I tasted the sea and it tasted me
I do not taste good with salt.
And so it spit me out-Its prey
For another rip current, low tide day.
| Ouch that was good. Other comments would seem trite at this point as I've not your level of such creativity.||| Posted on 2010-11-08 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ] || I find this very original. Actually, I've read a couple of your poems today, and you have a unique perspective and a fresh outlook on nature I enjoy.|
Two things that bothered me though, were the long lines (I tend to agree with Lady of Shalott about how they should be broken up) and the phrase "to be devoured whole."
The poem is so original and lovely, and then there is this common phrase just stuck there, that I think takes away from the overall feel. I would propose taking it out altogether, and I don't think doing so will take anything away. Or maybe you could take out the word "whole," or the word "devoured," and replace one of them with a less common word.
You would still get the feeling the sea is an animal by the other lines.
I also agree with Lady about ending with the two couplets. In particular because the title subject is in lost in the big block of text, and these are such standout lines that they should be alone.
Overall a stellar work.
Bye for now:)
|| Posted on 2010-09-04 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ] || This is truly a 'zen' poem. The way you viewed the sea as you did...utilizing unique personalization...it's amazing. I really like this one.|
I love this feeling, having the tide and the waves come and cover my feet...it's such a wonderful, pleasing feeling. A cool, loving, 'hungry' touch. It connects with you, and pulls you into it's embrace. You are pulled into the embrace of the sea, and subsequently, the earth and all creation. I agreed with your current journal about poetry...it chooses you. When it comes to you, you have no choice but to write. Your innermost self demands the song, whether it be about love, nature, or anything else (although love and nature are probably the best things for poetry).
I cannot wait for summer to come again. I want to experience this feeling once more. I want the sea to taste me too.
|| Posted on 2010-02-28 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ] || ahhhhh, this is beautiful. Beautiful! I'm going to the ocean today, this is such a nice intro and so in-sync with how I feel. Beautifully done!||| Posted on 2010-02-11 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ] || I found your journal quite well composed-- deep and meaningful even, and that's definitely how poetry, my best poetry comes to be.|
This is a conitnuation of that for me, although I do agree with Emeya, that this could use aa few slight tweaks. You might also consider that it's loose form writing... or at least it appears that way.
I find that if end rhymes come too close together then that makes the rhyme apparent and so if it were mine I'd take a look at that.
Also, when referring to the sand as 'them' this creates a conflict of tense.
Still it is a fresh look, and a living piece that I enjoyed and would be interested to see developed.
A coolthing about ES is that you think you know the place and then you find people who have been here a long time, it's not until you exchange words that you realise they were missed.
Hey you. :)
|| Posted on 2009-12-01 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ] || I really enjoyed reading this! It was really creative, the personification of the sea..... |
I like it, when inanimate objects have personality...
The title alone caught my curiosity.... the sea tasted me today....
I wouldnt change anything...
|| Posted on 2009-07-24 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ] || Hi. I think this poem is great! It is original, and thought provoking. I felt as though I were the one in the water, and not you. I could almost smell the sea water, and feel the waves.|
But, I do agree with Lady of Shalott about the small changes. I believe it would read smoother and improve your already very good work.
Keep writing! Will wait to see more of your stuff.
|| Posted on 2009-07-23 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ] |
I have always found that I am happiest by water, whether it is a lake or pond or the whole damn ocean. I guess there are the cleansing properties but also the way in which it attracts and provides life. Very affirming.
I enjoy how you portray the ocean as an animal ready or unready to swallow you up. That's very apt. I also like that it spits you back up.
I do have a couple suggestions, that you can take or leave as you like:
1) in the first stanza, I wonder if you would consider taking out the 'I saw' in the third line. This is probably purely my opinion speaking. I think that one should use personal pronoun as little as possible. It would still read, basically the same.
'As if I were a delicacy to be devoured whole/The blue green tongue rolling toward me'
2) in the second stanza the first two lines seem too long to me. Maybe try breaking them up a little? Something like
At first it merely lapped and pulled
The sand from around my feet
And then the blue green tongue took hold
And pulled them out from under me
or however you see fit. Then a line break, followed by two couplets. Just a thought.
Oh! And Lovely ending line!
|| Posted on 2009-07-23 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ] |