Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sunflower Seed Wingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cloacina
    ASL Info:    25/F/KY
    Elite Ratio:    5.24 - 20/53/54
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 35
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1707



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunflower Seed Wingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here comes the routine.
    The sweeping of the floors
    to make ready for the new
    customers.

    I collect abandoned pennies
    in my pockets,
    ignore a dirty table of guys
    laughing at the girl who stoops
    to pick up
    such petty change.

    Cause here in America,
    even in our local poverty
    people have no use
    for things as small,
    and worthless
    as pennies.

    I trace their voices
    to new coins
    knowing they're amused-
    probably think I bow
    because they tell me to,
    but I don't mind so much-
    knowing I do it
    in spite of them.

    There on the floor of change,
    glittering with ciggeratte ash,
    dotted with
    wadded up straw wrappers,
    unused napkins,
    conglomerates of fuzz,
    and you.

    Sunflower seed
    shells for wings,
    crushed.

    A delicate beauty,
    like love,
    so fragile, yet strong enough
    to lift
    something of far greater weight.

    Intricate and unique,
    beautiful and masterfully designed,
    a tiny miracle,
    given over to the staleness
    of sad certainty.

    No one noticed,
    no one cared,
    your beauty dying
    at their thoughtless feet,
    to good to look down.

    Because here on earth,
    despite the connectedness
    of all things,
    the precious imperminance of life,
    people have no use
    for something as small
    as a moth,
    nor neighbors
    poor enough to need
    their discarded pennies.




    Submitted on 2009-07-24 16:29:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've read a couple other works from you and you have a unique style. Simple yet profound, though perhaps a little too colloquial for the length -- from what I can tell you aren't given to 'short' poems. In other words, I like what you're doing and the way you see things.

    I really enjoy the thought/inspiration behind this write. It provides insight as to the way things are/aren't/should be. And I think it is when these small significances find their way into poems that we create something...memorable or important or some other word I can't think of at the moment. I suppose it's the relevancy of it. My suggestion for it is general and possibly inadequate, but I'll through it out there anyway: it seems like it could be tightened up throughout. Actually, I can be more specific.

    For example, in your first stanza, something like:

    Here comes the routine[:]
    The sweeping of floors
    to make ready for new
    customers.

    The colon leads in better, and otherwise, I just took out two 'thes'. Though they are small things, they can make for smoother reading. I guess I'm suggesting to take another look and see what can be taken out without sacrificing the message. Also, typo on cigarette in 'glittering with ciggeratte ash'.

    I look forward to reading more from you.
    | Posted on 2009-07-24 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.