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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: View points comming to a enddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: grimmreaper
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 122/43/23
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 503
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 802



    Description:
       its lame, and it rymes. but, yet, it still has a tad bit of meaning. its about my oldest brother, and how my view point of him changed


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsView points comming to a enddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Of all the things you’ve done
    And all the things you’ve said
    I sit here and think in wonder
    Of the things you filled in my head

    I thought you where my role model
    I though you where my friend
    But of all the things you’ve done
    This view point of you must end.

    Your sick and twisted lies
    The times you tried to pull me down
    I wish you could only feel
    The pain that my heart cries

    As I say these last good byes
    As I take my last few steps
    I want you to know
    That it was something I almost kept

    But not that it would matter
    Not that you would care
    As long as you have your friends
    To worship and tend to your ever care






    Submitted on 2009-07-25 18:53:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Totally! It is not lame. I think it's great. The idea especially, and your word choice. I think it need some work structure-wise, though, you know, like in the first two stanzas the second and last lines rhyme and then in the third stanza the first and last rhyme...and a word here and there-
    maybe you could say "of the things you put in my head" instead of filled, and "But for all the things you've done" instead of 'of all'? I'm all for shorter and sharper.
    Really good writing, though. I'm such a pest that I don't usually read things other people write...well, anyway, I'm going to check out your other stuff.

    S.S.
    | Posted on 2009-08-04 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey now lets get something straight this is NOT lame and there is nothing wrong about rhyming. I envy those who can write and rhyme it seems easy to some but for myself I just can't write anything meaningful that sounds "normal" lol

    Nevertheless I did enjoy this post I understand how it is to end a relationship with a brother. My brother is no longer speaking to me due to an attempted suicide back in 2008, I write about it or try to anyway. Some are titled 12 Gauge Shot Gun... anyway thats why I liked this because I can relate! Also yes!! because it rhymed its different and there is NOTHING wrong with different girl!

    Jackz
    | Posted on 2009-07-25 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


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