Of all the things you’ve done
And all the things you’ve said
I sit here and think in wonder
Of the things you filled in my head
I thought you where my role model
I though you where my friend
But of all the things you’ve done
This view point of you must end.
Your sick and twisted lies
The times you tried to pull me down
I wish you could only feel
The pain that my heart cries
As I say these last good byes
As I take my last few steps
I want you to know
That it was something I almost kept
But not that it would matter
Not that you would care
As long as you have your friends
To worship and tend to your ever care
| Totally! It is not lame. I think it's great. The idea especially, and your word choice. I think it need some work structure-wise, though, you know, like in the first two stanzas the second and last lines rhyme and then in the third stanza the first and last rhyme...and a word here and there-|
maybe you could say "of the things you put in my head" instead of filled, and "But for all the things you've done" instead of 'of all'? I'm all for shorter and sharper.
Really good writing, though. I'm such a pest that I don't usually read things other people write...well, anyway, I'm going to check out your other stuff.
|| Posted on 2009-08-04 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ] || Hey now lets get something straight this is NOT lame and there is nothing wrong about rhyming. I envy those who can write and rhyme it seems easy to some but for myself I just can't write anything meaningful that sounds "normal" lol |
Nevertheless I did enjoy this post I understand how it is to end a relationship with a brother. My brother is no longer speaking to me due to an attempted suicide back in 2008, I write about it or try to anyway. Some are titled 12 Gauge Shot Gun... anyway thats why I liked this because I can relate! Also yes!! because it rhymed its different and there is NOTHING wrong with different girl!
|| Posted on 2009-07-25 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ] |