Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

View points comming to a end

Author: grimmreaper
Elite Ratio:    8 - 122 /43 /23
Words: 138
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 915
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 808


its lame, and it rymes. but, yet, it still has a tad bit of meaning. its about my oldest brother, and how my view point of him changed

View points comming to a end

Of all the things you’ve done
And all the things you’ve said
I sit here and think in wonder
Of the things you filled in my head

I thought you where my role model
I though you where my friend
But of all the things you’ve done
This view point of you must end.

Your sick and twisted lies
The times you tried to pull me down
I wish you could only feel
The pain that my heart cries

As I say these last good byes
As I take my last few steps
I want you to know
That it was something I almost kept

But not that it would matter
Not that you would care
As long as you have your friends
To worship and tend to your ever care

Submitted on 2009-07-25 18:53:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Totally! It is not lame. I think it's great. The idea especially, and your word choice. I think it need some work structure-wise, though, you know, like in the first two stanzas the second and last lines rhyme and then in the third stanza the first and last rhyme...and a word here and there-
maybe you could say "of the things you put in my head" instead of filled, and "But for all the things you've done" instead of 'of all'? I'm all for shorter and sharper.
Really good writing, though. I'm such a pest that I don't usually read things other people write...well, anyway, I'm going to check out your other stuff.

| Posted on 2009-08-04 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey now lets get something straight this is NOT lame and there is nothing wrong about rhyming. I envy those who can write and rhyme it seems easy to some but for myself I just can't write anything meaningful that sounds "normal" lol

Nevertheless I did enjoy this post I understand how it is to end a relationship with a brother. My brother is no longer speaking to me due to an attempted suicide back in 2008, I write about it or try to anyway. Some are titled 12 Gauge Shot Gun... anyway thats why I liked this because I can relate! Also yes!! because it rhymed its different and there is NOTHING wrong with different girl!

| Posted on 2009-07-25 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?