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drops of pain


Author: grimmreaper
Elite Ratio:    8 - 122 /43 /23
Words: 58
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1101
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 394



Description:


Crap.....yep, that about sums it up


drops of pain



Shiny red dots of blood
drip slowly from my veins
flowing down slowly
and crying out my pain

Silvery white streaming tears
Pour door my tainted cheeks
Coming down quickly
Shouting out my fears

Pink faded scares
Lay scattered on my thigh
Showing to the world my story
Of when I couldn’t cry




Submitted on 2009-07-25 19:15:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I'm loving the Last Stanza. Which to be completely honest is its only high point.

The whole setting seems to be fairly generic. The words you use with it however are pretty simple. Maybe if you spruced up the words, making them more dynamic and active. Make it engage the reader more. It might have more of a POW effect on the same mundane write.

Hope my thoughts help,
Kyle.
| Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well Lets see... U ask for thoughts
1. My unbiased thoughts are exactly what your description says.
2. Its just too basic and also rhymes are forced.
3. Looks like it's written for the sake of writing.
| Posted on 2009-07-26 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
  wow i love the end of this post

Pink faded scares
Lay scattered on my thigh
Showing to the world my story
Of when I couldn’t cry

Speaks volumes to me! "Showing to the world my story of when I couldn't cry"

LLLOOOVVVEEEE IITTTT!!!! First I didn't like it for some reason but the end got me and i re-read it a few times and I'm hooked! Although I would suggest changing the word "Slowly" in either line you use it. With the lines being on top of one another and using the same descriptive word its obvious and to me could sound better simply by changing one of those times you use it. Just a thought though!

Jackz
| Posted on 2009-07-25 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


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