Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: drops of pain dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: grimmreaper
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 122/43/23
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 586
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 392



    Description:
       Crap.....yep, that about sums it up


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdrops of pain dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shiny red dots of blood
    drip slowly from my veins
    flowing down slowly
    and crying out my pain

    Silvery white streaming tears
    Pour door my tainted cheeks
    Coming down quickly
    Shouting out my fears

    Pink faded scares
    Lay scattered on my thigh
    Showing to the world my story
    Of when I couldn’t cry




    Submitted on 2009-07-25 19:15:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm loving the Last Stanza. Which to be completely honest is its only high point.

    The whole setting seems to be fairly generic. The words you use with it however are pretty simple. Maybe if you spruced up the words, making them more dynamic and active. Make it engage the reader more. It might have more of a POW effect on the same mundane write.

    Hope my thoughts help,
    Kyle.
    | Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well Lets see... U ask for thoughts
    1. My unbiased thoughts are exactly what your description says.
    2. Its just too basic and also rhymes are forced.
    3. Looks like it's written for the sake of writing.
    | Posted on 2009-07-26 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i love the end of this post

    Pink faded scares
    Lay scattered on my thigh
    Showing to the world my story
    Of when I couldn’t cry

    Speaks volumes to me! "Showing to the world my story of when I couldn't cry"

    LLLOOOVVVEEEE IITTTT!!!! First I didn't like it for some reason but the end got me and i re-read it a few times and I'm hooked! Although I would suggest changing the word "Slowly" in either line you use it. With the lines being on top of one another and using the same descriptive word its obvious and to me could sound better simply by changing one of those times you use it. Just a thought though!

    Jackz
    | Posted on 2009-07-25 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    176883

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hyle written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry