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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: drops of pain dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: grimmreaper
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 122/43/23
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 611
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 392



    Description:
       Crap.....yep, that about sums it up


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdrops of pain dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shiny red dots of blood
    drip slowly from my veins
    flowing down slowly
    and crying out my pain

    Silvery white streaming tears
    Pour door my tainted cheeks
    Coming down quickly
    Shouting out my fears

    Pink faded scares
    Lay scattered on my thigh
    Showing to the world my story
    Of when I couldn’t cry




    Submitted on 2009-07-25 19:15:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm loving the Last Stanza. Which to be completely honest is its only high point.

    The whole setting seems to be fairly generic. The words you use with it however are pretty simple. Maybe if you spruced up the words, making them more dynamic and active. Make it engage the reader more. It might have more of a POW effect on the same mundane write.

    Hope my thoughts help,
    Kyle.
    | Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well Lets see... U ask for thoughts
    1. My unbiased thoughts are exactly what your description says.
    2. Its just too basic and also rhymes are forced.
    3. Looks like it's written for the sake of writing.
    | Posted on 2009-07-26 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i love the end of this post

    Pink faded scares
    Lay scattered on my thigh
    Showing to the world my story
    Of when I couldn’t cry

    Speaks volumes to me! "Showing to the world my story of when I couldn't cry"

    LLLOOOVVVEEEE IITTTT!!!! First I didn't like it for some reason but the end got me and i re-read it a few times and I'm hooked! Although I would suggest changing the word "Slowly" in either line you use it. With the lines being on top of one another and using the same descriptive word its obvious and to me could sound better simply by changing one of those times you use it. Just a thought though!

    Jackz
    | Posted on 2009-07-25 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]


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