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    dots Submission Name: To the Girl Who Passes Me After Classdots

    Author: Imadjinn
    ASL Info:    17/M/Neverwhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 340/348/146
    Words: 297
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1846


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo the Girl Who Passes Me After Classdots

    To the girl who passes me after class.

    I. Past
    I have wondered a lot about you.
    Where you are going, and where you come from.
    Each day I make up beautiful stories where
    you are a doctor going to a space station.
    or a marine going to war.
    (Those things can happen these days.
    We are in the connected world.)
    It is far more likely that you are a simple student
    like me,
    just going to class for the day, while I am leaving.
    but when smiles are so hard to come by these days,
    (What with rent and food hanging over my head.)
    I feel like I deserve more stories.

    II. Present
    So each day I pass you, sometime between 11:20 and 11:30,
    barring some horrible statistics accident that confines me to class,
    for a few more minutes.
    Each day I pass my story smile to you, giving you a little "Thumbs up"
    for the day.
    I hope you notice, I do go out of my way.
    However, not once have you smiled back.
    Perhaps I am offended by this, I'm not sure yet.
    Anger: "How dare you not smile back at me"
    Indifference: "I don't need your smile, I am just passing through"
    Worry: "What has put you in a mood not to smile at me?"
    None of these accurately discribe what I feel.
    Perhaps it's a mixture of these, or none of them at all.

    III. Future
    I am missing a smile, though. Sometime between 11:20 and 11:30
    (Barring some terrible accident.)
    I really don't think it's too much to ask for a little reciprocation.
    So if you need advanced notice, I will be passing you again
    within the next few days.
    Sometime between 11:20 and 11:30.

    Submitted on 2009-07-28 00:15:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the simplicity.
    Thoughts on the surface.
    | Posted on 2010-01-29 00:00:00 | by xxiknownowxx | [ Reply to This ]

    Each day I pass my story smile to you, giving you a little "Thumbs up"
    for the day

    It's amazing how I know exactly what you mean right there. Sometimes I will make up stories about a person for so long, that when I finally talk to them, it's like talking to a stranger because they're changed so much from what I imagined them to be.

    I liked this. The character (or you) is so....genuine that it's so easy to feel sympathetic. It's easy to imagine stories about him (since I'm a girl I would automatically place the main character as male, even if that's not the case).

    Anyway, I liked this.
    The repitition of the time was spot on. Usually repetition is a pet peeve with me because most people don't know how to do it right. Or maybe it's that I don't read/listen right, but it felt right here.

    | Posted on 2009-10-29 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      The pacing of this piece is the strongest part, in my humble opinion. Your separation of past, present and future is simple, but very effective.

    I find myself wondering why you used past, present and future to separate.
    The differences between the sections aren't terribly different, and could probably go together if one was pressed to. However, I like to believe that the separation helps lead itself to a passage of time, since the different parts hold different emotion, despite being somewhat similar in appearance.

    The protagonist of the piece, (you, I'm guessing), strikes me as an extremely average student who attempts to make amiable contact with someone who is extremely attractive. Man, haven't we all been there. I'm sure plenty of guys, myself included, have been in this scenario in some way or another, with similar results. Therefore, this piece shoots up in relevancy, and thus interest, tenfold.

    Your simple "matter o' fact" writing style here is perfect for the subject at hand. It seems as if it's an actual letter written to the girl, without needless imagery or excessive language.

    Simple and sweet. Excellent work.


    | Posted on 2009-07-30 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]

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