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    dots Submission Name: chaos theorydots

    Author: silent_death12
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739/805/135
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 595
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 709


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    dotschaos theorydots

    calling out your name
    in the middle of the night,
    need you to be here with me...
    how many wrongs would make this right?

    find something to believe in,
    create something new to feel,
    list ways to reassure yourself
    the stars you need are real.
    (would you ever believe in me?)

    had these words not beeen written,
    you'd just whisper them to yourself-
    wordless echoes that mean everything,
    but only to everyone else.

    gently spoken chaos,
    shadows swimming through the dark.
    lost the truth inside of me;
    endless beauty; vaugely stark.
    (would you believe in anything?)

    Submitted on 2009-07-28 20:02:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting piece with an original concept here. I liked your style but feel you lack emotional power in this piece. Not that its bad, i think it is good but you coud have added more impact to make it just that extra notch more powerful and give it more impact. I like the way you express things without sounding forced, that is a trait of a great writer and shows potential.


    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      ...*thinking*....*more thinking*....*even more thinking*...Hmmm, you got something going here. The quotation type lines at the end of stanza 2 and 4 annoy me, but maybe just leave them as singular lines inbetween the stanzas, idk. and though what you have leaves you thinking, it feels like there can be so much more, not like its undone, or unfinished, but like its only half of whats going on; you've such a way with words and defining emotion that no one dares even label. I think you help me find "beauty in negative spaces!"
    | Posted on 2009-08-02 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is very similar to the last piece I reviewed of yours, and your particular style is starting to become evident. I feel as if this one has improved over the last one, with the rhymes much crisper and more defined.

    The addition of the occasional fifth line in the 2nd and 4th stanza is an interesting twist, and both work well together and in the stanza they appear in. The theme of false hope and belief in anything that'll get you by, but only if it helps you in a concrete manner is what I get from this piece. I sense that the person you are talking about wants to believe in something, but if it doesn't give instant satisfaction, then how can one believe in anything.

    Of course, I might be overanalyzing. It might be as simple as a lost love and the desire to have them back. In fact, I think that might be right on the money. Am I right?

    Again, the lack of capitols is personal choice, but for some reason it seems to fit this piece.

    That's why I'm not "bored" with seeing the same style from you. Since there is consistent improvement and innovation, yours is a style that I hopefully will not get tired of for a long time.

    Keep on truckin'.

    | Posted on 2009-07-30 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]

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