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    dots Submission Name: Interludedots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 230/390/136
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610

       Anything can be a time capsule.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The husked time desiccates.

    My mother turns into a stranger,
    my father into a human, myself
    into a restless dog.

    Into the earthy confinement
    of a mind in stasis go
    these things: the bald,
    baleful moon. The dinner table's leitmotif.

    The purpling hours-- The disconnect--

    And there is more buried
    than not. Under the unbearable weight of
    waiting, everything gets stored deep.

    In this way begins a preemptive strike
    against longing.

    Submitted on 2009-07-31 03:18:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    I'm going to start with a couple suggestions, more or less to get them out of the way:

    Third stanza, second line, where you break in transition to the third line seems off kilter to me. Your lines overall are very cleanly cut and so to have this one hang seems odd. Maybe break at stasis, so that it goes:

    of a mind in stasis
    go these things: the bald,

    And, last stanza, I think the first line could be played with. 'In this way' doesn't work, in my opinion. Maybe even a simple adjustment as 'so begins a preemptive strike' or something.

    S'pose I should leave the usual disclaimer: all are thoughts purely my own and not meant to discredit write or writer.

    Anyhoo...I like how you've lined up your ducks here. The title is perfectly apt and your relation of words is precise and poise; desiccate, stasis, disconnect, waiting. It speaks of a very plain and unbearable suffering. Limbo, disintegration. The ending stanza adds a whole new element and it reflects back well, sort of the source. Such a conscious recognition.

    It's one of those things everyone should be able to relate to in some degree. Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2009-08-02 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      This is haunting, beautiful and gripping all at the same time... really loved the opening, which drew the eye and soul ins, and oddities like "purpling hours" really fires up the passion in the piece. Waiting can be a crushing tar-pit, things really do go deep, and that was written well, liked the emphasis of italics on "waiting"... really cool to read you!
    | Posted on 2009-07-31 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]

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