Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Interludedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610



    Description:
       Anything can be a time capsule.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInterludedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The husked time desiccates.

    My mother turns into a stranger,
    my father into a human, myself
    into a restless dog.

    Into the earthy confinement
    of a mind in stasis go
    these things: the bald,
    baleful moon. The dinner table's leitmotif.

    The purpling hours-- The disconnect--

    And there is more buried
    than not. Under the unbearable weight of
    waiting, everything gets stored deep.

    In this way begins a preemptive strike
    against longing.




    Submitted on 2009-07-31 03:18:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    I'm going to start with a couple suggestions, more or less to get them out of the way:

    Third stanza, second line, where you break in transition to the third line seems off kilter to me. Your lines overall are very cleanly cut and so to have this one hang seems odd. Maybe break at stasis, so that it goes:

    of a mind in stasis
    go these things: the bald,


    And, last stanza, I think the first line could be played with. 'In this way' doesn't work, in my opinion. Maybe even a simple adjustment as 'so begins a preemptive strike' or something.

    S'pose I should leave the usual disclaimer: all are thoughts purely my own and not meant to discredit write or writer.

    Anyhoo...I like how you've lined up your ducks here. The title is perfectly apt and your relation of words is precise and poise; desiccate, stasis, disconnect, waiting. It speaks of a very plain and unbearable suffering. Limbo, disintegration. The ending stanza adds a whole new element and it reflects back well, sort of the source. Such a conscious recognition.

    It's one of those things everyone should be able to relate to in some degree. Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2009-08-02 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      This is haunting, beautiful and gripping all at the same time... really loved the opening, which drew the eye and soul ins, and oddities like "purpling hours" really fires up the passion in the piece. Waiting can be a crushing tar-pit, things really do go deep, and that was written well, liked the emphasis of italics on "waiting"... really cool to read you!
    | Posted on 2009-07-31 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    177035

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Incubus written by monad
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Giving written by jjd
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Linger written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry