Timeless Bond (revised) by jaycee

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Submission Name: Timeless Bond (revised) dots

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Author:	jaycee
ASL Info:	38/F/ Texas
Elite Ratio:	4.85 - 2410/1167/153
Words:	222

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	275
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1406

Description:
This one is for my mother but please feel free to make any comment and critique... I'd like it to be perfect before she gets it.
jan

Timeless Bond (revised) dots

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Timeless Bonds

My rock foundation
From the moment of conception to reckoning
Forever my constant in heart and soul,
The crane operator,
Expertly guiding my being
As I add crossbeams to this life.

The one I clung to as a child
Knowing the sound of your footsteps;
The smell of your perfume
Above a hundred other scents and sounds in a crowded room
A primal instinct that always brings comfort.

I've studied your voice in all its keys.
Every nuance of pitch and timbre
Lingers entrenched in subconscious memory
More familiar than my own name.

My confidant
Through many teenage trials;
Late night gossip sessions
Listening to what I didn't say.
An expert at decoding my hidden messages

Giving me direction
To reach for what I need,
You never sermonize
While exposing every facet of the problem
Like an expert architect in a consultation.
Sympathizing over the trials and failures
Supporting decisions made
Perpendicular to those
Outlined in your mind.

Steel girded in velvet,
Outwardly soft,
Yet more stalwart than the world credits,
You are forever the cornerstone of my being.

Submitted on 2004-07-18 21:31:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hi Jan. Ok this is goin to be just some quirks in my impressions. Proposals of critique more than anything else. I really enjoyed the construction conceit. Mb you cd have somehow had your title denote this conceit with "Timeless Foundations" or someth more poetic than what i came up with. Mb there cd have been a progression in the construction of the poem. You actually do hint at one with the "rock foundation in the beginning and your last line ending with "forever the cornerstone of my being" (which I found to be a great line). Still you have the architect at the bottom when perhaps he/she could have appeared ealier near the beginning although it's true that architects are needed throughtout construction. Another line I really appreciated was how you dexteriously inserted "Perpendicular to those/Outlined in your mind" recalling the architect's plans. I like ST2-4, but think they might not be comfortable placed in a poem where the apparent conceit is a construction site. Perhaps i'm getting too obsessed with the construction. I just thought that was an idea that was well-suited for a poem. Perhaps you could simply interlace a couple of construction references in these stanzas. For instance the perfume smelll of the sawdust; or the melody of hammers; or gossip in harmony with the heavy breaths of workers. Anyways, just some random thoughts. I enjoyed the poem nonetheless. :) Peace
Raz
| Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautiful Jan, your mother will be ecstatic! It is particularly touching because of the diverse unusual metaphors and images,--not the usual frilly gingerbread and lace tribute. You use many images from the construction industry which seem odd at first , but become perfect by the end of the read.
I really liked-
"Supporting decisions made
Perpendicular to those
Outlined in your mind. "---as an indicator of her just and unbiased commitment---I will remember that bit for a long while--or even longer.

The ending is super, a tribute to her unflagging strength---not only someone to emulate--but more--she is your "cornerstone" I envy you your wonderful relationship with your mother, more rare than you can imagine, and I think that carving this poem into a gold ingot,--would not increase it's worth to your mother. Lovely.

Silver
| Posted on 2004-07-28 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  this is beautifully put together.

the only image that felt a bit out of place to me was that of the crane.. but then that might be down to my perceptions of my own mother who is a petite little woman..
so i think that really to critique this would be difficult because each of us perceive our mothers and the concept of motherhood somewhat differently.

that said... your tribute to her is beautiful and i'm sure would make her very proud to read. there are so many other images here that i felt so in tune with.. clinging to her as a child.. her 'listening to what you didnt say'.. perfect.
| Posted on 2004-07-25 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
  So now you have us rushing to do words on our mums and dads!
No. But this is a lovely gesture and actually, it wouldn't matter much at all if every word was mis-spelt and the grammar was unutterably bad.
It's all about feeling isn't it?
And there is lots here and I would do only one thing and that is add my rock, to my foundation no punctuation after foundation.
It just helps to set the scene in a more pictorial way - I think...
Kitchen sink.
Later,
K
| Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  you know hun you're lucky to have a mother like her. All the decisions and deals in life were made by me alone. no advice from both parents. this is a very sweet way to say thank you mom.
| Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]
  this is just beautiful. my favorite is the last stanza.

Steal girded in velvet,
Outwardly soft...

i feel this way about my mom, too. we are lucky that we have mothers like this. true blessings. very nice, indeed! i bet it will bring your mother to tears, of joy.
| Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Heh heh ya know I was feeling pretty damn smart to figure out this was about your mom until I read everybody elses comments and then the damn description! ARGHHH! thats ok brains aren't everything. before the peanut gallery speaks up...neither are looks...[censored]s! Okay seriously though, very nice poem, I should be so cool as to write something like this for my mom
| Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the metaphor of the building. The crane operator, architect, the cross beams. It gives the feeling of this person...taking these raw materials and making something spectacular out of them. Exactly what a mother does.
| Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]

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