Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: new skindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The Wolverine
    ASL Info:    23/M/MA
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 74/137/91
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 371
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1523



    Description:
       this is a very rough draft i need some help finetuning, fixing rhythm and just sharpening it up so please comment with ideas or thoughts!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnew skindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mama said dont play with fire
    'cuz you'll burn
    but we didn't listen to her
    so we learned

    The sun kissed you with it's warm embrace
    a bright smile crossed your golden face
    where were we headed?
    lookin' for some space
    to call our own
    where we'd never be alone

    let's burn up in the sun
    and start a new life when we're done
    shedding our old skin
    lie together wait to begin

    Papa said go have some fun
    we raced against the sun
    towards the horizon
    fixed our eyes and headed west
    this day's forever, not like the rest

    let's drive until the car can't take it anymore
    with the pedal to the floor
    and say a quiet prayer
    headed to i don't know where
    but if i'm with you i don't care
    when we get there

    Forgot what we've been told
    let's burn, let's live
    there's nothing but today
    get in, and we can get away

    let's burn up in the sun (we've just begun)
    we'll have a new life (you and me)
    by the time it's done (in the sun)
    the tank is full (get in)
    the day is new (let's begin)
    and i don't care where (I don't care)
    it's true (if i'm with you)
    I don't care (if i'm)
    with (you)




    Submitted on 2009-08-01 10:49:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey,

    Thought the lyrics were very interesting. Not really sure how appealing the title is in terms of it being a lyrics but that's just me.

    Other than that, here's a few things i'd suggest:

    "to call our (very) own
    where we'd never be alone"

    That extra word addition seemed to fit to my ears (Any other word for you would be fine as well)

    "Papa said go have some fun
    we raced against the sun"

    The "Said go" doesn't slide too well with me...

    "headed to i don't know where"

    This one seems to be out of place for some reason.

    Overall, i liked it. the papa stanza had one line more than the mama stanza... don't know if it should be like that, but i think an additional one would help out to keep the lyric consistent.

    Again, i liked it and it would make an amazing song.

    Take care.... until we meet again next time.

    Irina
    | Posted on 2009-08-02 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds good to me for a song for hell-bent youth. Sure, put it to music. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    177063

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Dream written by closetpoet
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry