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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: new skindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The Wolverine
    ASL Info:    23/M/MA
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 74/137/91
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 389
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1523



    Description:
       this is a very rough draft i need some help finetuning, fixing rhythm and just sharpening it up so please comment with ideas or thoughts!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnew skindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mama said dont play with fire
    'cuz you'll burn
    but we didn't listen to her
    so we learned

    The sun kissed you with it's warm embrace
    a bright smile crossed your golden face
    where were we headed?
    lookin' for some space
    to call our own
    where we'd never be alone

    let's burn up in the sun
    and start a new life when we're done
    shedding our old skin
    lie together wait to begin

    Papa said go have some fun
    we raced against the sun
    towards the horizon
    fixed our eyes and headed west
    this day's forever, not like the rest

    let's drive until the car can't take it anymore
    with the pedal to the floor
    and say a quiet prayer
    headed to i don't know where
    but if i'm with you i don't care
    when we get there

    Forgot what we've been told
    let's burn, let's live
    there's nothing but today
    get in, and we can get away

    let's burn up in the sun (we've just begun)
    we'll have a new life (you and me)
    by the time it's done (in the sun)
    the tank is full (get in)
    the day is new (let's begin)
    and i don't care where (I don't care)
    it's true (if i'm with you)
    I don't care (if i'm)
    with (you)




    Submitted on 2009-08-01 10:49:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey,

    Thought the lyrics were very interesting. Not really sure how appealing the title is in terms of it being a lyrics but that's just me.

    Other than that, here's a few things i'd suggest:

    "to call our (very) own
    where we'd never be alone"

    That extra word addition seemed to fit to my ears (Any other word for you would be fine as well)

    "Papa said go have some fun
    we raced against the sun"

    The "Said go" doesn't slide too well with me...

    "headed to i don't know where"

    This one seems to be out of place for some reason.

    Overall, i liked it. the papa stanza had one line more than the mama stanza... don't know if it should be like that, but i think an additional one would help out to keep the lyric consistent.

    Again, i liked it and it would make an amazing song.

    Take care.... until we meet again next time.

    Irina
    | Posted on 2009-08-02 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds good to me for a song for hell-bent youth. Sure, put it to music. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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