Twisted soul by Scaredheart

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Submission Name: Twisted soul dots

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Author:	Scaredheart
ASL Info:	15/ Female/ NC
Elite Ratio:	6.43 - 92/62/50
Words:	84

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	70
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	579

Description:
bored as all get out, but figured I'd write this down...

Twisted soul dots

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Twist my heart,
bend it back.
Look at the bruises inside,
and take your love back.
Seal my fate,
crush my soul.
Look at the light I hold,
take the flame from my soul.

Watch me falling,
down to the flame.
Sacrifice the heart,
to free the soul.
Bleed out love,
beat out faith.
Drop to the floor,
screaming in pain.

Trust no one,
trust not your self.
Break my heart,
feed my flames.
Singing with the sound if disdain.

Submitted on 2009-08-01 11:20:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  Ditto to previous comments. In addition, the half-hearted rhymes were...off-putting. Especially considering you 'rhymed' some words with themselves. Back/back, soul/soul, flames/disdain. You didn't try at all with this one, and it shows. If you're bother writing something down, doesn't it deserve a little genuine effort?
| Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry, but yes, I have to agree. Its rapid fire cheesy. Try for consistent rhythm, and longer lines for a smoother read. Ted.
| Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
  Terribley cheesy. Theres too much repetition for anyone to enjoy this. Flames, soul, heart, love, light, your just ticking th boxes as far as metaphors go, its all hackneyed. You could probably do better than this if you strived to sound more original.

-Craig
| Posted on 2009-08-01 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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