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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Entertaining the Paindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: harrieart
    ASL Info:    21 / Male / Los Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    3.75 - 11/5/13
    Words: 262
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 94
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1767



    Description:
       Dedicated to my former best friend, KMG


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEntertaining the Paindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your lips look oh so lovely
    I can almost feel that kiss
    It takes not much remembering
    All the little things I miss

    But mine have been defiled?
    The answer we both know
    i failed to keep the promise
    Of never letting go

    The fragrance of your cheek
    And the corners of your mouth
    The motions of your squeeze
    And your unforgettable pout
    The years we spent with twisting
    (Two lives nearly as one),
    The love we shared, and wishing
    Our broken past was done.

    This morning, I did wallow
    And entertain the pain
    The wonder of that feeling
    While knowing I'm to blame
    Now none but our own memory
    Hold silent blackened years
    Of time and all our history
    Love tainted by our fears.
    Now your flesh, your face: it's haunting
    I bet you're full aware
    Only you could take me down
    With that artificial stare
    Silent and provoking
    Innocent with intent,
    The blades in which to cut myself
    Propped up by your resent.

    It's truly revolting to know
    I can find your face with his
    And stab myself on any day
    With a blade of locked lips

    The ugly truth is peaceful
    When sitting in it's place
    Until I strike a visit
    To stare it in the face.
    A face that cuts me open
    Despite my hardened shell
    Despite the time that's passed
    Despite being saved from hell

    O, woe to me is gone
    Worn out and scraped away
    What's left is empty thoughts
    Of life already played








    Submitted on 2009-08-03 09:40:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My god I am overly affectionate of your passionate diatribes. You have this somewhat lyrical quality, shall we say, most can only wish to hold. It's very rhythmic, and I suppose you're also well-endowed with rap savvy - I'm not, and I'm sorry if it offends you that I should assume as much. These could be rehashed thoughts, pores dilated like a porn star's sphincter 'cause they've been filled with such goop. Anyways, I like how you write, albeit a little awkward in motion in some places... You, however, will most likely not like how I comment... but here it is anyways pal, a few suggestions (implemented so you may delight in their sight):

    Your lips look oh so lovely
    I can almost feel that kiss
    It takes not much remembering
    All the little things I [reminisce] (rem/rem+kiss/nisce)

    But mine have been defiled? (no comprende compadre!)
    The answer we both know
    [I] failed to keep the promise (cheeky)
    Of never letting go (belittle yourself elsewhere than here)

    The [redolence] of your cheek (same meaning...
    And the corners of your mouth ... better metering)
    The motions of your squeeze
    And your unforgettable pout (awkward 'un' bust)
    The years we spent[] twisting (superfluous?)
    (Two lives nearly as one), (bad formulation, drop the 'as'..
    The love we shared,[] wishing ..or reformulate)
    Our broken past was done. (undone?)

    This morning, I did wallow
    And entertain the pain[,]
    The wonder of that feeling
    While knowing I'm to blame (awkward verb tense, should..
    Now none but our own memory ...be 'I was')
    Hold silent blackened years
    Of time and all our history
    Love tainted by our fears.
    Now your flesh, your face: it's haunting (daunting?)
    I bet you're full[y] aware
    Only you [can] take me down ("make me sting"?)
    With that artificial stare
    Silent and provoking
    Innocent with intent,
    The blades [with] which to cut myself
    Propped up by your resent. (I like the silent 'are' here)

    It's truly revolting to know (again, the meter..
    I can find your face [beside] his ...evens out)
    And stab myself on any day
    With a [fury] of [un]locked lips (meter + dodging repetition)

    The ugly truth is peaceful
    When sitting in [its] place (grammatical mistake)
    Until I strike [up] a visit
    To stare [at] it in the face. (still awkward)
    A face that cuts me open
    Despite my hardened shell (despite my kraken shell?)
    Despite the time that's passed
    Despite being saved from hell

    O, woe to me [who] is gone
    Worn out and scraped away
    What's left [are] empty thoughts
    Of life already played

    ---

    nice ending, AND you dodged the cliché "all that's left" with your funky syntax.

    Anyways, get back to me or not, meh. I am also aware that this is probably a personal piece, so not something you'd go around butchering, but you technically didn't discourage commentary by putting it up on a website like this (or the miscellaneous commentary request). Just a heads up, don't waste our time if you want to pick a fight :).

    Outlaw.
    | Posted on 2009-08-15 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]



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