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    dots Submission Name: I killed myself insidedots

    Author: Dreamer5009
    ASL Info:    16, Male, USA
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 73/53/28
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 774
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 432


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    dotsI killed myself insidedots

    I woke up each day
    empty and clueless
    tossed my pains away
    never felt my pain, never to guess

    I denied myself pleasure
    made myself sad
    until I was weak and unsure
    I didn't know it would feel this bad

    My pain grew, an emotional genocide
    I'll never love again, not now, nor ever
    as I kill myself inside
    all ties to my soul, I sever

    Submitted on 2009-08-04 03:09:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      to never love a person is to never see the sunset....

    all good things must come to an end.....

    it is better to love a friend because even when your love is gone, your friendship remains.....

    missing you,
    | Posted on 2009-10-12 00:00:00 | by PopRocksRae | [ Reply to This ]
      I only partially agree with the last comment. I think there was some overuse of the word "pain", but that is what this poem is about.

    I know and understand these feelings that you have written about here and have plenty of my own like this. As you go on to experience more and get more in tune with emotions and how to express them, the "angsty" feel that was spoken of will disappear.

    emotional genocide<-----try exploring that and write about that pain, without actually using the word pain. With enough description, we'll know exactly what you're talking about.

    "all ties to my soul, I sever"

    I actually do happen to like that line. It's the final and quite powerful statement. If it irritates people, they don't need to read any further or comment.

    Just keep in mind with poetry, it shouldn't always be straight forward and blunt. It should make the reader think and sometimes even question the piece and take them into a world of their own, leading them to experience what you're feeling, even if they never have.

    Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2009-08-04 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, the title tipped me off, so I was a little catious when I clicked on to this page, expecting an emo rant. Not that emo rants don't have a right to exist, it's just I dislike reading them. Bigoted but true.

    This definitely could use some cleaning-up, as it has a juvenile feel, but I don't know if that's what you're going for or not. It definitely has emotion, but it's more of a surplus than a tasteful amount. Using "pain" in a poem more than once every five or so stanzas really gives off a thirteen-year-old angsty feel, which just gives people what they feel is a cause to devalue your work as a whole. References to mutilation such as "I kill myself inside" and "all ties to my soul, I sever" also tend to irritate some people, though in this I think they sort of fit. "I'll never love again, not now, nor ever" also seems a little... over-the-top. While emotion is a poweful beast, like arsenic to the human, too much in the wrong form can kill a poem.

    This is not meant to be a string of insults; my poems come out like this too until I edit them. I'm not saying there are things deeply "wrong" with it, I'm saying you could make it better.

    Merry meet, and good writing.


    | Posted on 2009-08-04 00:00:00 | by Shadowstar13 | [ Reply to This ]

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