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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Monotony (Whoops. My bad, MyX)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mojymo
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 50/59/41
    Words: 199
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 511
    Average Vote:    2.5000
    Bytes: 1312



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMonotony (Whoops. My bad, MyX)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The monotony of human existence
    draws to an end
    as my eyes close from the pressure of sleep,
    twisting my brain into an abstract dream.
    I call this place unreal,
    an untouchable chasm
    between you and I.
    Above the clouds,
    I watch the mini motors
    speed like ecstasy
    through a suffering vein.
    I've no needles with me tonight.

    So I pull out a lighter
    and hold it to your wagging, old flesh
    waving at me in place of your triceps.
    Melt the skin a little,
    a scar to remember me by.

    Tonight, we are bored with mutilation,
    but this dream is so unreal
    and reality seems a second's step away
    and on the other side of the world.

    Take me with you to that place you call a sanctuary,
    that place where pot smoke is inhaled
    by self-destructive amoebas that dare to call themselves
    human.
    Shoot a gallon of gasoline into my veins.
    Just take me with you...

    Opening my eyes, you humans pass on,
    unaware that I left you for a moment
    of abstraction.
    Ah, how the bitter monotony of this planet
    helps in my destruction.

    End: 10:20 pm
    Thursday, Aug. 6, 2009




    Submitted on 2009-08-06 21:22:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey i thought this was powerful in the least, i cant really say what is wron with this but i can add it seemed a tad like you were "holding back" as you say, i cant put my finger on it but there is something to improve. As the abovementioned comments go i couldnt really agree so much but in my own opinion this piece left me swayingin both directions, not really sealing it for me as wonderful but nalso not really convincing me it is bad. So i would have to say my opinion on this is undecisive haha. Still an interesting read though. Thanks for sharing.

    :-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-09-12 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      O.K. You have made a disgusting self-proclamation about your poem that implies that someone whose mouse runs past your page should drop whatever they are doing and read your poem. The only occasion that it MIGHT be acceptable to parenthisize (GREAT POEM) next to a submitted work of yours is if it were to represent the writing of ANOTHER author. Even then, it would be more suitable for a journal entry. Publicizing self-evaluations makes you look ignorant, self-absorbed and uninspired. Plain and simple.

    As for the poem its self....is about as cliché'd as Shiver Me Timbers! is to a pirate. Keep your weed smoke and crumby romance to yourself unless you intend on making it somewhat original.

    MyX
    | Posted on 2009-08-21 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, OK, I thought this was pretty good! Bit teen angsty, perhaps, but I'd say it was a decent write.

    I felt you expressed yourself in an original and imaginative way.

    My fav line would prob be: "twisting my brain into an abstract dream"...Although, aren't all dreams abstract...?

    I also thought the 2nd stanza was very good, from an artistic point of view, although I found this somewhat disturbing!

    So, in conclusion, I'd say this poem did live up to the hype! :)

    You need to find yourself a good woman! :)

    Alexboy
    | Posted on 2009-08-10 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


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