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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Geminidots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1016



    Description:
       I actually wrote this a while ago, and it rings more true now than ever. I guess the feeling I'm going for is 'gentle self-loathing'.

    For background:
    - Luddites were textile artisans who protested against the Industrial Revolution in the early 19th century. They routinely destroyed machinery to disrupt the production process and protect their way of life. Very desperate, very anti-change.
    - Gemini refers to Castor and Pollux, twins from Greco-Roman mythology. There's a whole lot more to them, so read this for a very basic overview if you've got time and really want to get what I'm on about here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castor_and_Pollux
    - 'Subterranean Homesick Blues' is a song by Bob Dylan. It has a lot of the same messages and feeling of restless discontent that I was trying to portray.

    Photo from http://www.ianridpath.com/startales/gemini.htm


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Geminidots
    -------------------------------------------


    As children, we wanted for nothing.
    Our house was a rambling bungalow,
    clinging to the gully’s slope
    with the grim resolve
    of a Luddite saboteur.

    Don’t you remember our garden?
    Slaloming after bumblebees
    through rows of rhododendron;
    stretching on gnarled buffalo grass;
    then drifting off
    in a pastiche of pollen
    over rooftops, through thick air
    and down into the Waikato.

    My Gemini,
    you said we’d never leave.
    I believed you at first,
    but seasons rattled on
    with apologetic inevitability-
    like a tired allegory
    creeping across the page.

    Every autumn evening
    you’d retreat to the couch
    and watch the six o’clock weatherman.

    I called for you to join me
    singing ‘Subterranean Homesick Blues’
    into the teeth of the wind,
    but you brushed those golden locks
    over your eyes
    and stayed inside.




    Submitted on 2009-08-09 12:28:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Powerful and stark in a sense, i love your imagery and the references to things that would not be normally considered as a norm in the sense that you wrote this. I enjoyed it and it kind of took me to a place and left me there to think and consider what has been said. The topic you chose was superb in my opinion and you painted a wonderful picture with your words here. Good work.

    ;-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-09-28 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful. I think your first line is a throw-away, you don't really need it. Same goes for the first line of the 2nd stanza. "Slaloming after bumblebees" is wonderful. I love how narrowed the poem becomes by the last two stanzas, it comes to cold reality. I think you should join the last two lines for a single line, that way the end rhymes don't distract.

    Great stuff!
    | Posted on 2009-08-17 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually don't have too many gripes about this poem. The smallest complaint would be gully being used twice, but that's really nothing to worry about. I find that you're audacious enough in this poem to just outright be a poet, and express yourself, while still retaining the sensibility everyone else tells you to have.

    Although, here's another detail to note: Your language in the first two strophes is riddled with a rather unusual vernacular, whereas the following three seem to be more about the idea behind the words. I don't know if I'd call it a bad thing, because the two parts focus on different details, but I think if you wanted to forward this poem in terms of betterment it would be something to look at. As in, how to better render them in unison, or at least more of a segue.

    I liked that you were bold in this poem with your words, and they seem to be a peculiar assortment of commonplace things. Arguably the 'luddites' mention isn't really warranted and the detail is practically irrelevant to the rest of the poem, but I say forget those proponents. Make the somewhat eschewed or abstruse reference. Society, or at least literature as a body, needs to stop making itself easy like a surrogate mother giving away her baby, or a harlot. So what if it's a bit more challenging - literature is meant to bring people to knowledge, not reeducate them in the art of loving education.

    "But I digress" and I think you get the idea.
    :)
    | Posted on 2009-08-09 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      where i live, gemini is present only in the autumn/winter. and the only way i can find the constellation is by seeing orion. i want to get a tattoo of the castor/pollux stars but make em like atlas holding up another circular tat that i already have on my back. being gemini (and absolutely knowing that we are a strange bunch) i totally get this. though i tend to call it wishy-washy. yup. wishy-washy.

    i find this to be well written with some great lines through out. it also seems melancholy which is often a prevelant feeling i seem to bear.

    i like this for what it is. what it has to say. as well as how it is constructed.

    so yeah. unspecified.
    | Posted on 2009-08-09 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


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