Your Scent, Netted in Breath by Cloacina

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Submission Name: Your Scent, Netted in Breath dots

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Author:	Cloacina
ASL Info:	25/F/KY
Elite Ratio:	5.24 - 20/53/54
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	81
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	807

Description:
Fibonacci poem, in 6 lines would go 1,1,2,3,5,8 syllable count- I attempted to do that in alternating stanzas, with the reverse in between.

Your Scent, Netted in Breath dots

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His
scent
netted
scooped up in
breath, gasping, grasping
drags skin's mute melody ashore.

Saccharine burnt wood, soft musk bark,
sharp clean pine, gentle
soap band wrists
sugared
sweat
salt.

Stirred
flesh
fingertips
root gently
a halo of scent
expands, loosens with push of breath.

Scent spores hover above damp skin,
like small water beads
rising from
stream which
prods rock.

Knead
out
unseen
filament
whisper of design
the silent chords of dna.

Nose opens, sifts unrelated
data, particles
transcending
distance-
me
him.

Submitted on 2009-08-11 02:59:32 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
   Fibonacci sequence yessss!

This has been one of my favorite forms for awhile now, and one which I think is sorely neglected in the poetic communities.

A couple flaws:
--'Stirred/flesh/fingertips', fingertips is 3 syllables and should be only 2.

--'prods rock. // Knead/out/unseen' To follow the forms of the other stanzas (which are each stand-alone in the sense that they contain the entire sequence within themselves), you need to add another one syllable word after 'prods rock'.

You took a different approach to the style than I did (for comparison, see http://www.eliteskills.com/z/166850). Unlike Civilian, I kind of enjoy the feel of the smaller lines. I do agree, however, that starting off the poem with a commonplace word like 'his' is a mistake. I also agree with his critique of the word saccharine, I feel it has too many negative connotations to mesh with the rest of the poem correctly.

My favorite section:
Knead
out
unseen
filament
whisper of design
the silent chords of dna.

Niiiice imagery. Strong imagery throughout the entire poem, but that part in particular really reached me.

Good work, I look forward to seeing more of this form from you!
| Posted on 2009-08-11 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a very enjoyable piece to read.

I realized, after reading this twice, that it was about a birth. Well, many of the images expressed seem to suggest that.

"expands, loosens with push of breath." <-- dilation, also, trying to push the baby out.

"whisper of design
the silent chords of dna." <-- new life

"Nose opens, sifts unrelated
data, particles
transcending
distance-
me
him." <-- taking the first breath, taking in sensory information for the first time.

Funnily enough, though, the first two stanzas seem to stick out. Reading those two, I imagined someone being pulled ashore after being involved in the wreckage of a ship carrying Myrrh and Balsam and other scented oils.

I like the entire piece, but it seems to me that the first two stanzas seem too separate from the rest of the stanzas. As a suggestion, maybe you should revisit those two. Then again, it's all up to you. I think the piece is good as is, but I'm just wondering if people might not get a little thrown off by that.

A great write! I love Fibonacci poetry. I wrote a really neat one a while back, going up to 13 syllables. It was epic and beautiful. Sadly, I can't seem to write another one that is even decent. I look on jealously at yours.

I
felt
your words
in the night.
They were like flowers
that grow by the side of the road.

Wild, lonesome, intense foliage
overcomes the strong
black pavement
and brings
me
you.

(Meh. That was another decent attempt, I guess. Still not as great as my 13-syllable one. Anyways, I hoped you liked my attempt. <_<)

~Asia
| Posted on 2009-08-11 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked parts of this, and it also worked well on a macro-level. However, I think you ran into some problems using the distinctive 'Fibonacci' structure.

First of all, I don't see the point of writing a one-syllable line if it's not actually a line. At times, you really nail down these lines- the final two lines are probably my favourite part of the poem, just for how elegantly it fits in with your theme of proximity and 'togetherness'.

Even when you use lines like 'stirred/flesh' and to a lesser extent 'kneads/out', I can still go along with it. From this limited evidence, I would suggest that it works ok when you've got a verb as the first of the lines, and either a noun or preposition as the other.

But the opening 'His/scent' just doesn't work for me within the structure of the poem. It's more the way the English language is structured: 'scent/his' might make more sense, if you get what I mean. It's like how we would say 'red apple', but it's defining property is that it's an apple, not that it's red- the adjective matters less than the noun, but for some reason it is lexically prior to it. I know that in Hebrew it's the other way around, and in French as well- 'a red apple' is 'une pomme rouge'.

More generally, I feel that if you're going to try and use an innovative structure, you actually have to take on all the challenges it entails. This means trying to make meaning through the structure, rather than coincidentally. I think the structure should be more than just how the poem appears visually on the page.

I'm not trying to be negative, I just think it's a pretty cool thing to try out, and it could be a lot cooler if it were done with a bit more rigour :)

Also, I'm not sure 'Saccharine burnt wood, soft musk bark' works, just because I can't imagine any burnt wood being like a flavour additive in any way. I know some wood smells sweet when it's burnt, but it's a very different sensory experience to saccharine, which is completely artificial, spine-chillingly sweet and has a weird metallic aftertaste.

I look at my critique and it looks oddly negative. But it really shouldn't be- I actually really enjoyed the sense of closeness and intimacy which you conveyed. I think that your focus on touch, smell and taste rather than visual images was important in giving the reader an understanding of what you were talking about.

Cheers,

Ben
| Posted on 2009-08-11 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]

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