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    dots Submission Name: Running Through Your Veinsdots

    Author: Phagocyte
    Elite Ratio:    3.44 - 2/5/5
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Misc/Love
    Total Views: 539
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 965

       A random paragraph- it is all squished in there, pardon me.
    It doesn't mean a lot, I just wanted to be creative and junk, so this is the fruits, I think.

    I hope you all enjoy, and thanks for reading~

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRunning Through Your Veinsdots

    "She is dead..." the shadow whispered softly, voice raspy, charcoal eyes glistening in the bleak blackness of the night.
    Yet all that heard this obvious comment was the bending trees, leaning over to see what had happened, curiousity too great for the broken branches and rotten leaves.
    The woman lay on the ground, a mad grin plastered on her pale face, within her eyes the ocean could be seen, yet it froze, no longer washing over the rocks of her dying pupil as it fell within the non moving sea of her iris.
    Crimson dew fell on the yellow grass that cut into her bare back, leaving straw coloured blades sticking on her now blood-shod blouse.
    The knife was sited near the spine, entwined within the cells and skin that stood in the edge's way.
    But the shadow did not linger long, and soon it fled away, muttering words of regret and sorrow.
    And the woman lay there smiling, though dead she certainly was.

    Submitted on 2009-08-15 10:13:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Do not listen to Alexboy he is always overcritical and overly analtyical to technical ezxtremities lol. I think this is awesome and the obscure words that were suggested for 'removal' should stay. This piece has a unique character and shows great potential. Without fine tooth combing it i can say the thoughts and emotions were relayed to a great extent and it is an artform in its own rite. Keep writing, i know something great can come from this talent of yours. Thank you for sharing.
    | Posted on 2009-08-22 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, well, well...I'm the first to read and the first to review!

    Overall I liked this. It was a bit "off" in places, a bit rough, but I think you made a real effort and I liked your use of imagery, I felt it was pretty original.

    I think "non moving" sounded bad, as did "though dead she certainly was".

    You definately need to remove these last five words, as they're redundant.

    In conclusion I'd say you show potential, but could do with brushing up on your English.

    I did enjoy reading it and you were certainly creative!

    :) Alexboy
    | Posted on 2009-08-15 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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