Too Much Not To……….. by col13x

Too Much Not To………..

How many times have I done this
Weaved my way home
On alcoholic ankles

They would call it drowning your sorrows
But; sorrow it seems, always has a new face
And is scrubbed for its conveyance
In the late night meandering

Walks with the ever tinged orange street lit
The constant song of crickets
Repeats
Arms around waists and pulling close
Against the smiles and soft heat

I see them, every day
Hundreds of lovers
Living their way

But for me, not……… merely
As I pass, as an iron blank mythology
Come to trespass
On their moment of completion

And all the lips and poised talons
All these relinquished sighs and gasps
Hold me abandoned
In the slip and fall of loneliness
But breaks ever to the intense
Of your skin

I am drunk now, too many vodka’s and their ice.. icing of too easy drinking
But here I am
Again

Carving my heart into something
Some way to alliterate
And maybe literate
Of the rent and scathe
That misses your palm; in mine

Turns me to such an empty night
Where all I am is but a vacant passage
To this moment
Kissed upon this blessed aching
Interminable

I, its shadow
Just a shadow
In the orange tint of street lights
Which hear the giggles and laughs of lovers
But do not give up
My own

They mock me
As even you do
In my desperation unworthy

How many times have I done this
Spent hours correcting the miss-typing
Of drunken fingers
While trying to latch my thought and meaning
Onto something
Far too expressive to capture on a key board

I; if I wrote this out
As plain simplicity
It would sound and read as a thousand love songs of “ silly “

But I am broken in these expanses of stars
In this night that doesn’t know where you are
In this curl of too many twist and twirls
Of unfocused cigarette smoke
While my fingers hit down on this key board
And misspell my love
Re- write my love
Re-arrange my love
Into something tangible

Chokes

And every shadow and echo
Every thought
Every moment cognizant
Past the vodka swill of my drunkenness
Hinges
Its portent
On you

I am dieing my love
Dieing
Slowly
Surely; as steadily
As you do

Without me

Too Much Not To ...... ( Mornings Reprise )

And here I am
In the too much sun
Barking dogs
Wake the morning

Too many tears in the night
Too much vodka last night
Left me hit by this vacant love I am holding

Too much in your precious eyes
Too much to be by your side
To wrap in my arms
And never let go

And here I am
It’s too bright this morning
I want to be back in the dark
Where I was sleeping

Don’t want to look at the day
Don’t want to spend it this way
But the tug in my soul
Has me crashed to the edge of surviving

Too much in your whispered voice
Too much in the fires of your soul
Too much of this laughter we share
Too much of you every where
Too many phantoms of you there
In the morning

And here I am
The aftermath of vodka is pounding
I lost myself again
Spent the night on the door step of this aching

I don’t want to look into my eyes
To only recognise
That quiet stare
Of my heart as its breaking

And here I am
In the too much sun
Barking dogs
Wake the morning

Too many tears in the night
Too much vodka last night
Left me hit by this vacant love I am holding