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    dots Submission Name: Untitleddots

    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 539
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 743


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Gentle Caresses
    Half remembered
    Swim in my mind
    Dance beneath my skin
    Wreak havoc
    On my sub-conscious
    Sometimes I think
    I can smell you
    On my skin
    Can feel the rift in time
    That I made with you
    I can feel
    Myself falling back
    Into your arms
    Into your dazzling eyes
    I can see your t-shirt
    In the mirror
    I can taste you
    But then it fades
    And I feel
    The distance more
    And more effectively
    Each mile
    Each memory becomes
    An etching on my brain
    A scar below the surface
    I love you
    And Hate you
    All at once
    For what you can do
    Without trying

    Submitted on 2009-08-17 03:20:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I_Bleed_Ink has made good comment here. But I would like to add to that, --- to see it properly punctuated, and line starts typed in lower case where the lines are continueing sentences. Capital line starts break up the work when used for every line regardless. Apart form those picks I enjoyed it very much, so thanks.
    | Posted on 2009-08-18 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess the advice I can give for this piece would be to uncapitalize "Caresses" and "Hate" because it throws off the reader. Aside from that just push some of the sensory images. You say, "I can smell you/On my skin" but what exactly do you smell that makes him/her so memorable? Same goes for the section on taste. Bringing those details out is what makes poetry so personal and so inviting.

    I hate to say it, but "Myself falling back/Into your arms/Into your dazzling eyes" is cliché. :( It's always a beautiful thought, but has been echoed so many times that the meaning seems stale.

    Anyhow, keep pushing this, I do love reading your work. ^_^
    | Posted on 2009-08-17 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]

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