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    dots Submission Name: Stand Downdots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 801
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1530

       this is a poem I wrote about a yearand 1/2 ago about an ex this is actually though the 4th revision. Please feel free to rip this piece apart, I mean personally I dont think its as strong as other pieces Ive written but I think it could be more, I just need some help on it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStand Downdots

    A memory
    marked by one
    flawless embrace
    Struggling to breath
    You walked away
    No expression
    upon your face

    I felt the rain
    Cleansing tired
    battered flesh
    As I stood tarnished
    by actions
    and remarks

    standing still
    Fixated upon
    one embrace
    trying to hold onto a memory
    the image faded
    the moment had long since passed

    I felt the rain
    Hiding tears
    running down my face

    I ran
    stumbling every step
    but I didn't give a damn
    about the storm
    tearing tree from earth,
    driving me from you
    I cherished the pain
    the open wound
    on my chest

    Breaths grew shorter
    in this smokers lungs
    I Longed for a cigarette
    to stop the shaking
    rain put out the fire
    in your eyes, my heart, my cigarette

    I watched your light
    go off in the distance
    I swore I would stand down
    Tearing off
    my clothes, my skin
    Letting go of dignity

    these lungs
    lacked the strength
    to keep chasing you
    I stood down
    Underneath a
    cloud filled sky

    And with the rain
    memories washed away
    And my skin, my soul, my wounds
    were cleansed
    I stood down
    I wouldn't fight
    As you took my dreams away

    Submitted on 2004-07-19 13:37:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      no fair!
    i didnt take your dreams away
    this is very sweet
    i get the gatsby vision of well my light turning out
    i like that you bring back constant lungs and how they hold you back for different reasons
    this really makes me think of my house and my block and the closeness
    im so biased
    but honest
    so its ok right?
    i didnt like the tear off your clothes and skin part though
    not as pretty as the rest
    LOVE the part about the rain putting out your cigarette and the fire in my eyes and your heart
    very good
    i apprecaite this
    | Posted on 2004-09-15 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]
      sometimes its better to run after her and face the Turning Away, instead of holding onto a memory that will only ripple, echo on into your next endeavor at love...
    the rain, sweet rain that hides emotion, i hate the tears and so only feel safe in the fiercest of storms...maybe she only felt stronger in it...
    And that you were so willing, tear off your clothes your skin; to hold onto the embrace she fled from you stuffed it away in her bags and closets, and she knows that you're there but wouldn't have strength to feel what you do...girls sometimes shut out the hurt they cause, only because they are too aware of it...
    this was painful for you to write. that makes for true poetry and brandishes courage..."for the greatest key to courage is shame..." Kerouac once said that. let it go, you've nothing to be ashamed of. love and daisies~april
    | Posted on 2004-07-21 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      i like how you've weaved the emotions - taking stuff of what's going on in your mind to combine it with things present and past. also, it's cool how the storm gives comfort while in pain and also helps you cope. it's really cool. one little thing...
    "Struggling to breath" should be
    "Struggling to breathe"...
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like the feeling of this one!i was able to read this one with interest!the rain im guessing was like ur sad emotions???but nice work for being written a year a half ago!
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful. I think that in the beginning when you said that a memory was marked by one embrace, that your whole relationship was marked by the end of itself. You use very good imagery in this piece. What I imagined was a rainy evening on a dock. I like how you split things up by using different stanzas and choosing which lines to capitalize based on their power. My favorite part was the image of her light going out.
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      im really feeling your poem. its great. im its gets to me. keep it up man. i mean u felt like rain? thats one part i dont get you should explain that more. but babes its good keep it up
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by natasha | [ Reply to This ]

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