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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Soul Spectredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 356
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 526
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2132



    Description:
       Random piece from some random ideas i had.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSoul Spectredots
    -------------------------------------------


    As i exit the blaze i get designated
    to become earthling again,anew..
    I smoulder from the daze..Life is new..
    Everything i have never imagined
    is so strikingly what i had known before i knew.
    It all merrily twists over and becomes true.

    Like the naked leading the blind
    so is mankind coerced to never find...
    Never find fragments to recollect..To rewind..
    Distant distortions - disruptions in their minds.
    It is the cancer that plagues all our kind.
    That which makes vague the ability to be kind.

    Who do we blame as the satan - the source?
    See the burning fame - within - it is us ofcourse.
    Why do we cry? Why do we weep?
    Fighting for survival we all wish to keep.
    Survival of the mind be what draws us blind.
    This - the golden holy grail we're looking to find.
    T'is where most barely fail before reaching dry land.

    As i bleed for you so you will bleed for me.
    In the end the only need will be of floating free.
    A sombre cry for peace, a bleeding cry for reason.
    Let it be known we are surrounded by sin & treason.
    It follows us around carefully creating the hound.
    The end - this tainter drags you down to the ground.
    Like a slow wave of pain coming to black season.

    I will not bend, i will not break.
    I know it is my soul you wish to take.
    An end to hate is what i yearn..
    When will we repent? When will we learn?
    If you wont follow His path,go & sow your wrath.
    Go try it my friend,surely at the stake you will burn...

    Time to pray to remove the gray,to set sail..
    Time to undo unjust & mistrust,to remove the veil.
    Let it kindly be known before im overthrown:
    I'm secretly smiling at all you dark souls with disgust.
    I don't care what you do when u go south - down.
    By God i place my silver cord - alongside my trust.
    Unending grace of love and light without a twist.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-08-22 05:09:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The lack of capitalization on the "i"'s severely annoyed me. If you don't capitalise the "i''s usually you shouldn't capitalize anything. But of course, it's your style though it does annoy hardcore sentence structure fanatics, such as myself.

    I don't agre with Alexboy per se. Flow, as I se it, is a very unstructured thing, or at least can be when done right. However, there are areas where the flow does seem a little awkward... "An end to hate is what i yearn../When will we repent? When will we learn?"
    "to become earthling again,anew../I smoulder from the daze..Life is new.."

    Other than that...

    I do think you have good ideas, and I love the bits about burning for their words and the imagery it paints in my head. You do have talent, you just need to hone it.

    Slainte,

    DW
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by Shadowstar13 | [ Reply to This ]
      Right then, OK.

    I think this piece possibly shows potential, but overall I feel it's quite rough. It seems clumsy.

    The rhyme was forced in places, as was the metre: "If you won't follow his path, go and sew your wrath."

    I thought the lines "Why do we cry? Why do we weep?/fighting for survival, we all wish to keep" showed some promise, but "survival" didn't fit. I may've written them like this:

    Why do we cry, tell me why do we weep?
    Fighting for fragments we all wish to keep.

    This way it flows, as it forms dactyls: /--/--/--/

    In conclusion, I'd say this piece was just too primitive, both in terms of structure and content.

    I apologise if that sounds harsh, but I do try to give honest feedback.

    However, I am still a beginner myself, so feel free to dismiss anything I say!

    :) Alexboy
    | Posted on 2009-08-22 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    177633

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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