[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: ClayMandots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 265
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 599
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1571

       Just a piece i wrote when i first started my child custody case.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Black envisioned age approaches to test my rage.
    I know i cannot control things,only influence them.
    I enter as sage to covet this chapter's final page.
    My choice to either shake or control the pain-stem.
    Only way is to break through and mimick the mage.

    I've seen the play of this grisly-geared approaching day.
    Surely it is my turn to twist the gears and make them pay.
    My turn to cut this custom-carnage, time to have my say.
    Goal is to keep all eyes on the prize, never dare to stray.
    I stand as impenetrable fortress of ever-remouldable clay.

    Pretending to be the fool - my greatest weapon, my only tool.
    Time to trod the belligerent snake created to squirm and take.
    Only this be what i'm borne to do, no time to smile or be cruel.
    I will crack open this shell of hell with my sweet solemnity rake.
    Only way of truth lies before me now, my path to end the duel.

    I have tried many gentler ways to shift or end this gaping craze.
    Now only warpath is possible to fight this chasm of unending haze.
    I never fear or walk afraid - i smile secretly as all my cards get laid.
    Now stand back and witness the shape of my torrential mind agape.

    Now it's my turn to follow through, how glad i am i am not you.
    Time to churn the counterion furnace - time to intensify the hue.

    Time to paint your pain-faced portrait.
    How glad i am i am not you.


    Submitted on 2009-08-22 15:51:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      for the most part i am allergic to rhyme and there were a few moments throughout this piece that the rhyming got a little too much though that is prolly a me thing and not a your piece thing.


    as i read this i was struck by how easily you could perform a piece like this at an open mic night. the sounds are strong and the piece moves. the words dont clunk or get stuck.

    i almost feel that the piece is all imagery though. as if there isnt anything solid to tie it to. your description speaks of your reason for writing it but it would be awesome if you could somehow work that into the piece... give it something to ground the piece because at this point it feels like a journey of images but nothing to apply them to... does that make sense?

    i guess you just gotta remember that the reader isnt feeling what youre feeling or thinking what youre thinking when they approach this piece so you gotta give them a couple more clues
    | Posted on 2009-08-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good.
    Great line - "How glad I am I am not you"
    | Posted on 2009-08-22 00:00:00 | by Rhythmal | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]