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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chaotic Windsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: edcherry
    Elite Ratio:    6.91 - 197/67/22
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 864
    Average Vote:    2.5000
    Bytes: 447



    Description:
       Imaginative thoughts.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChaotic Windsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Chaotic Winds.

    I want to ride chaotic winds on high,
    that I may fly within the typhoon's eye
    and then, to spiral high into the sky,
    so that I could, in stillness gaze upon
    the wonders of the universe, and there,
    if I should die, forever wonder why
    my friends had chosen not to fly with me,
    but stayed behind to sigh, forever tied
    as human slaves of mundane earthly tides.




    Submitted on 2009-08-22 20:19:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this. There were a lot of half-rhymes that hold the essence of original thought; that is, when you wrote this down it didn't become warped by the very temporal action of placing pen to paper.

    The metre is not perfect, but in my opinion, it's not supposed to be. Flying itself would not always be a perfect action, there would be dips and valleys.

    The only thing I might do is to break up the lines a little differently. Omitting some words would change the form too, but I'm not sure you want this.

    Chaotic Winds.

    I want to ride chaotic winds on high,
    that I may fly within the typhoon's eye;
    and then, to spiral high into the sky,
    so that I could, in stillness gaze upon
    the wonders of the universe,
    and there, if I should die,
    forever wonder why
    my friends had chosen not to fly
    with me,
    but stayed behind to sigh, forever tied
    as human slaves of mundane earthly tides.

    I don't usually like to quote my own work, but it seems so close to one of my poems both in flow and in subject, that I am going to put it here.

    Gravity.

    Since gravity holds me to this chair,
    I feel sustained, but somewhat unaware
    Of how it would feel to soar through the air,
    Or float like unseen vapour into the anywhere.

    Since I feel pain and the need to cry,
    Must I question the reason we die,
    Must I decipher the silent answers that reply,
    When I ask and wonder why?

    When I wrote it I was imagining life being a basket. As you go through it, you weave the strands together, until it becomes soft enough to fall into and that's when you die. It would be sad to have to leave friends behind, and we always want to take them with us, but each of us is weaving out our own tapestry.

    I liked this a lot.

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-04-30 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      What a great poem! That drew me in.
    | Posted on 2010-03-18 00:00:00 | by thelastman | [ Reply to This ]
      This immediately reminded me of the song "Spirit in the Sky" who I just discovered when googling the lyrics to comment you was done by some guy named Norman Greenbaum. Anyhow youre snippet here is very concise, catchy, and enjoyable. I hope any loved ones that I know were feeling sorry for us suckers still living.

    (I just thought I'd copy & paste the lyrics in my comment so it looked like I did a lot of work and word ratio goes up. enjoy!)

    "When I die and they lay me to rest
    Gonna go to the place that's the best
    When I lay me down to die
    Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
    Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
    That's where I'm gonna go when I die
    When I die and they lay me to rest
    Gonna go to the place that's the best

    Prepare yourself you know it's a must
    Gotta have a friend in Jesus
    So you know that when you die
    He's gonna recommend you
    To the spirit in the sky
    Gonna recommend you
    To the spirit in the sky
    That's where you're gonna go when you die
    When you die and they lay you to rest
    You're gonna go to the place that's the best

    Never been a sinner I never sinned
    I got a friend in Jesus
    So you know that when I die
    He's gonna set me up with
    The spirit in the sky
    Oh set me up with the spirit in the sky
    That's where I'm gonna go when I die
    When I die and they lay me to rest
    I'm gonna go to the place that's the best
    Go to the place that's the best"

    | Posted on 2009-12-23 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah this is cool, all the "-eye-'s", in it. I never thought of flying up so high, its a unique to me...

    But I like how you used water: "typhoon", "tides", as a kind of result of the chaotic wind. Its all very well thought out I can tell. But I may be wrong.
    | Posted on 2009-09-30 00:00:00 | by MidnightSun89 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's kind of lame that you have nearly a 400% recip rate and haven't gotten more than one comment on a pretty damn decent poem here. it's [censored]0rific.

    i like the free spirit of it. seems genuine, just sort of a little venture in thoughts. the ryme works, sorta a lil off in some spots but i might not be reading it just right.

    nice little piece. fun and kind of freeing and the end gives it a certain quality i can't get my finger on......


    later
    | Posted on 2009-09-28 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, when I think of committing suicide... I always think of being sucked up straight into the sky, bent over double and going ass-first like being hoisted up a cable wench while facing down, seeing earth getting smaller and smaller...

    I'm strange like that, but the sky always seemed to bring the worst dangers, not the "hell" safely pounded down below layers and layers of earth mantle crust. Heaven was the most frightening aspect, cuz it meant I had to travel through lightning, rain, etc., and get higher than all THAT, just to arrive.

    And I'd probably wonder, once I got there, why my friends didn't come along, so this one hits home with me. I really enjoyed it, thanks!
    | Posted on 2009-08-23 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


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